Foundation
by angel4snape
Summary: A story of loving the last person you should.
1. Chapter 1

**Part One: Foundation**

I very much like schedules. Every moment of my life is mapped out according to what I want to happen. Ordinary days, I allow myself a small amount of free time in case an unforeseen incident occurs. But on important days such as the start of my sixth year, I control everything. And on that day, things went pretty perfectly until the Welcoming Feast.

I took exactly 45 minutes for personal bathroom time, and the remainder of the hour went to eating. I was already packed, of course, but I did take 20 minutes to asses everything was where it belonged. It was. Then my mother drove me to the station, I boarded the train half an hour before it was due to depart, and everything was swell. I had brought along several books to read if the situation called for it, but I found a compartment full of friends, and I occupied my time with conversation. I had left train time unscheduled, because I was not the conductor and had no control over anything. That part was hard to admit. I wish students were allowed to transport themselves to school.

But as I said, everything was going quite swimmingly until the sorting. I was seated at the Hufflepuff table, half-listening to Hazel Prue as she whispered in my ear about how absolutely tiny the first years were. But everyone said that. The first years were never any bigger or smaller than we had been. I didn't say that because Hazel was happy to express her own thoughts regardless of if anyone wanted to hear them. That was why she and Jax worked so well as a couple - he hated talking and she hated listening.

I was amusing myself with the dynamics of their relationship when I looked up to the staff table, a brief sweeping look. I didn't expect to see any new teachers, and I was right. Mostly. Professor Snape might as well been a new professor for as devastatingly attractive as he suddenly appeared. I was absolutely breathtaken, and I had no idea why. Countless time I'd bashed on his hooked nose, his yellow skin, his greasy hair, his terrible posture. None of this had gone away. The only difference was how I perceived these qualities. And I very much perceived them as something good. This was the hitch in my schedule. I had counted on eating 900 calories at this meal, and accordingly had eaten only 300 for breakfast and 300 on the train. But I was too distracted to eat anything at all. I did pick at a roll to appear normal but inside I was quite abnormal. Professor Snape was, I'd guess, in his late 30s. Well actually, this was simple enough to figure out. Everyone knew 19-year-old Harry Potter had gone to school with his parents, and they'd had him when they were 20. 39. God that seemed ridiculously old. It was just a few months away from 40, which he could very well be by now. Or perhaps he was 38. Either way, the thought of being with such an old man was appalling. Until I looked at him again and my heart crashed against my ribcage, my stomach squished into knots, and I felt the insane desire to squeal. The squeal was particularly disturbing. And I am not a very good actor, so it was not terribly surprising when Hazel poked my side.

"Are you okay?" she asked. She placed the back of her hand against my forehead and she frowned. "You're hot."

"Yes." I wasn't running a fever, I had a goddamn blush. But I didn't want to tell her this. "You're pretty attractive yourself." She laughed, her concern visibly ebbing.

"Well, I would say I'm more attractive than you," she teased, tossing a chicken leg at me. How weird. I stared at the chicken in my lap, contorting my face out of confusion. She laughed once more and grabbed the chicken out of my lap, taking a bite out of it. "So, did you have a fling this summer?" she asked. She was referring to my strict rule of not dating at school. I'd decided in my third year, when I was starting to become attractive, that dating someone you essentially lived with was stupid. This limited me to summer affairs, which had worked out surprisingly well.

"Nah. I pretty much baby sat all summer. Did I tell you...they named her Handkerchief?" We simultaneously groaned.

"No offense but your family is crazy. Tomfoolery, Raspberry, Kaleidoscope, and Handkerchief?" She shook her head. "And I grew up thinking Hazel was strange."

"At least Tomfoolery can be Tom and I can be Razz. Poor Kaleidoscope and Handkerchief have no nicknames. And when Handkerchief gets older...well, you know." We did know that her peers would come up with some joke involving hand jobs, and she patted my back sympathetically. We were both used to the abnormal things my parents did, courtesy of the years spent frying their brain cells with drugs. Even now, they were never totally sober. But they were decent parents despite it all - I'd never been abused.

This conversation helped to distract me from my newfound lust towards Professor Snape, but soon enough our topics dwindled and she turned to Jax, and I had nothing to busy myself with except him. My pledge to not date at Hogwarts was to avoid sticky situations, and being involved with Professor Snape was the stickiest situation imaginable. But I could not live with myself if I did not even try to appease my sudden hunger for him. I tried to conceive a feasible plan for capturing his attention: I could get a detention and then put moves on him then, I could be his friend and build from there, I could stay after class and simply throw myself on him; nothing worked, not even in my overactive sexual teenage imagination. I could not see any situation where he would succumb to my (weak) charms. And if he wanted me, didn't that make him creepy? And yet I could not help but want him to want me. It was a conflict without a solution. And since I could not hope to solve it, I might as well enjoy how looking at him made me feel. So I turned around to look. Professor Snape was staring at me. No, no, of course he wasn't. He was...staring at me. With the way he was looking at me, I felt as if I'd shouted my desires out loud. But the rest of the students were still chattering away, not noticing our stare down. So what had I done to make him look at me this way? Maybe we were soul mates. Oh, that would be convenient. 'Yes, he's my professor, but we're soul mates so it's okay we're having sex!' No. That wouldn't work. And it would be cheesy and rather embarrassing.

"Razz, you didn't eat any dessert." I snapped my eyes from his to Hazel's. She was extremely beautiful, thin, perfectly waved black hair, flawless complexion, large blue eyes. It didn't bother me any that she was prettier. And with how dizzied I was by Professor Snape's looks, she looked comparatively plain and simple. But that was unfair. I shouldn't think like that. "Razz?"

"I'm being crazy tonight, aren't I?" She didn't need to answer. We stood together, and Jax slid his fingers into hers. I checked my watch. The feast had finished at exactly eight o'clock. Exactly on schedule. But I didn't care much for my schedule, now. I would rip up all my schedules and never make another if...No. I was not going to deal in impossible ifs. Unless I thought of the key to seducing him, I should just work on putting it out of my mind. "What's our first class?" I asked, this time expecting an answer. She pulled her schedule out of her pocket - Prefect privilege of getting an early schedule.

"Potions with the Ravenclaws," she said.

"Oh, fuckin perfect," I muttered and ignored her frown. "Let me see that." I tugged the schedule from her hands - we had purposely signed up for all the same classes. A days had Potions, Runes, Divination, and then a study period; B days had Defense Against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration, a study period, and then Care of Magical Creatures. B days sounded far more promising, although I still wished DADA wasn't required so I could have taken Charms in its place. But with the growing presence of You-Know-Who, I supposed it was necessary.

"It's pretty okay, right?" she asked.

"Yeah. It's okay. Hope Hagrid has less dangerous animals this year."

"Hagrid? Less dangerous? He's probably imported a dragon for us," Hazel snorted. But it was an affectionate snort. As much as everyone trashed his lessons, we all knew he was kindhearted and a fairer teacher than others. Others who I would not think about, no I would not. "Well, night Jax." She leaned in to kiss him and I politely left them alone, climbing up the stairs to our dorm room. We had beat all the other girls, which was nice. Maybe if I changed quickly and was in bed by the time they arrived, they wouldn't expect me to get caught up in their back to school hype. But it was 8:15 and they would have to be purposely avoiding the dorm to stay away much longer. Indeed, I had barely pulled out my pajamas when the Hazel and the others burst in, giggling and talking. Oh, teenage girls. I knew I was one and quite often acted the part, but I knew it was all silliness and they just took gossip and clothes and boys as if they were the most important thing in the world. Which was one of the reasons I enjoyed Hazel's company - she may obsess over who was dating who and if she looked skanky rather than sexy, but she was stable and committed enough to maintain a long term relationship. Even if she was dominant and controlling in that relationship.

"Razz. Why are you changing? The night is young!" This was Jane, a redhead girl who was more freckle than skin. She was the curviest of us all, but also the shortest and the widest. For guys, her confidence overshadowed her largely protruding stomach and massive thighs. She was wearing robes, but instead of the uniform underneath she had on Muggle jeans and a tank top. The amount of cleavage she possessed was astounding. I wondered if she'd gotten in trouble for her dress code breaking. Most likely not.

"I'm tired," I said. I have a lot to think about, I didn't say.

"Oh, you have all year to be tired," she said, frowning at me.

"Jane, leave her alone. Let her be boring, if she wants." And this was the delightful Ella, slutty as a slut can be but with an extra dosage of bitchiness. Her straightened bleached hair, her blue contacts, her fake eyelashes, and her glittery nails all screamed that she wanted attention in the most usual of ways. She talked often of how she'd lost her virginity at 13 to her 19-year-old boyfriend. She obviously suffered from low self-esteem but any pity I would have given her was erased by the fact she repeated the same mistakes over and over without learning a thing. "Now Melanie, you were telling us about your boy..." I turned and looked at Melanie, surprised. Melanie was the quiet, fragile one. Almost everyone knew of her anorexia, and her visible bones told those who didn't. They usually didn't know that she was working on recovering, and had actually gained ten pounds in the past several months. She had short, boy hair to hide the thinness from lack of nutrition and dressed in clothes that would be too big on Jane. Food took up so much of her life; I would not expect her to have time for a boy. But by the way she smiled and her cheeks turned red, I saw she had found time.

"His name is Tom," she said.

"Tell us more!" Jane and Ella screeched in unison. Hazel walked over to me and slung her arm around me, pulling us down onto the ground. I sighed as I saw I would be spending the next few hours listening to their chatter. This was not part of my schedule.

"He's really cute...he's got brown curly hair and green eyes. He's short though. But he's older, like 19 or 20." She paused to recall more details, and I almost stopped breathing.

"Did you guys sleep together?" Ella asked, always rude.

"Well...yeah."

"Oh no," I groaned, before Melanie could answer. They all turned to look at me. "Melanie, Melanie. I think that was my brother." Melanie stared at me in horror while the others laughed. "Oh man." Tom was a nice guy and Melanie seemed happy, so I did not tell her all his disgusting habits like I wanted to. And when she saw I wasn't going to freak out on, she relaxed and began to smile. But Ella had to open her heavily-lipsticked mouth.

"Will he not like you once you gain weight?" When we stared at her, she grew defensive. "What? It's a good question!"

"No it's not, you stupid cunt," Hazel snapped, and moved away from me to put her arm around Melanie. "I'm sure Tom will like her even more once she's healthy, and if he doesn't he's stupid because she doesn't look good now." And it was bad to say, but necessary. If everyone told her she looked good, she would just keep her bad eating habits. And suddenly I was tired of interacting with these girls, or any girls, and I was starting to remember Professor Snape as ugly rather than attractive. I stood up and dropped into bed in my pajama top and my uniform skirt. They were quiet for a moment, then Ella whispered something bitchy, Jane laughed, Hazel chided, and Melanie said nothing. It was not so good to be back.

* * *

I did not bother to make a schedule for the first day of lessons. First days of lessons were always so unpredictable. What was not unpredictable was that Melanie would be my Potions partner. In earlier years, I had paired with Hazel, but now she preferred to work with Jax. I didn't mind. She didn't force me into conversation. And today, when I would probably be sufficiently distracted by the attractiveness of our professor, I especially appreciated this. Although it was more than a little uncomfortable to sit next to her and think about what she'd done with my brother. Luckily I stopped thinking about it when professor Snape stormed it; unluckily, I merely changed her to me and my brother to him. Oh, gross. Except it wasn't gross at all. If I had not been surrounded by a group of people, I probably would have enjoyed the image quite a bit more. But I was surrounded, and one of those people was the object of my fantasy, so I tried my hardest to erase the image. It kind of worked.

"Welcome to another year of making a failure of the finest art in the world," Professor Snape said, flicking his wand towards a blank chalkboard. Words filled the board and I sighed. I had forgotten what an utter bastard he was. His hair hung in greasy strands down his face as he bent over his desk, scribbling with a quill. No one moved and we spent several minutes watching him write. He looked up suddenly, eyes narrowed. "You all are sixteen. I assume you can figure out by now how to read." That really was quite unfair of him. If we had gotten up without his instruction, he'd have ridiculed us then too. I thought about this as several Ravenclaws hopped out of their desks. They were rather excited over getting Potions ingredients. The rest of us took a few minutes to meander, murmuring amongst ourselves. Melanie looked a little sick. Hazel and Jax were sliding a knut across the table at each other. Jane and Ella were inspecting their nails. JT, the smartest kid in school and most likely to become Head Boy, was already measuring out ingredients. I stood up.

"I'll get your stuff too," I said to Melanie. She shook her head and used the desk to heave herself to her feet. "What did you eat this morning?" I asked, trying to keep my voice both casual and low.

"Half a muffin," she answered, used to Hazel and me inspecting her diet.

"Last night?"

"Umm. Three glasses of water?" She turned the sentence into a question and I frowned at her. I didn't want to know how long she'd been not eating. "For lunch, I'm going to eat more. I promise. Tom...he said he wanted me to gain weight."

"Well, that's good. But you shouldn't do it for him. You should do it for yourself." I felt like a walking self-esteem textbook, but it didn't matter if it actually helped. She shrugged and I decided I'd have to owl Tom to see if he realized how serious her condition was.

"Is this social hour at the rehab or am I instructing a Potions classroom?" It was suddenly hard to breathe when I realized Professor Snape was a foot away. He was glaring but still delicious.

"The best you could come up with is rehab? And besides I don't see much instructing going on," I said. I immediately wasn't sure why I'd said it. It was something I'd say to a friend, not to the most vicious teacher we had.

His eyes looked like they were going to fall out and he ground his teeth together. "Excuse me?"

"Um... just kidding," I said, but without much hope.

"Well I am **not** kidding when I say you have just lost Hufflepuff 20 points, and you will be serving a detention this afternoon with me," he growled. The Hufflepuff half of the class groaned and I felt more than a few murderous glares directed at me. I tried to ignore everyone as I grabbed what ingredients I needed and then returned to my desk. I was measuring out bicorn horn powder when Melanie joined me, but inwardly I was somewhat angry. Seriously? 20 points for one little sentence? I wondered what he would do if I kissed him. Probably expel me. It would almost be worth it. But maybe he would give me 100 points and put me up for Head Girl. Ha. Yeah. I wouldn't even want that. But it would be nice to know I was that talented, if I was. That made me wonder if he'd ever been kissed. Apparently he was always as bitter and nasty as he was now, so I would not find it unlikely. He could have hired a prostitute. Most guys would. I thought I'd heard prostitutes didn't kiss. That would probably feel weird, to have had sex but still be a lip virgin. Maybe he was so angry cause he just needed to get properly laid, without money being exchanged and with kisses. I could do that. I was unsure why I was still so attracted to him after he'd just bitched me out, but I was. Maybe the detention was destiny, and I was going to get him tonight. More likely, I was going to lose my desire for him as he worked me for hours over one little joke. Male pride was a weird thing.

The class ended, and I was pleased with my potion. It was a few shades darker than JT's, but I'd had more on my mind than him. When I went up to turn in my potion, Professor Snape said, "Stay after class so we can discuss your detention." I dropped my phial into the holder and then leaned against his desk, ignoring the dark look he shot me. Before she left, Hazel untangled herself from Jax to give me a hug. Melanie smiled. We were probably going to become good friends this year. I played with the bottom of my skirt as I waited for the stragglers to leave. Professor Snape set his quill down and screwed the lid on his ink well. The last student walked out the door. My collar was uneven but I didn't have time to fix it before he spoke.

"Do you know what Legilimency is?" he asked. I tried to meet his eye but he would not look at me.

"No."

"Essentially, when you make eye contact with me, I can look into your mind and find what you are...thinking." Oh. Well. I could not think of a single thing to say in response. Thankfully, he did the job for me. "I really do not wish to deal with your teenage fantasies so if you agree to keep them out of your mind I will return your points and cancel your detention."

"I don't know if I can promise that," I said. He looked like he wanted to slit my throat. More likely, he wanted to slit my stomach and eat my organs and then punch me in the face until I died. "And you must have the self-control of a god to resist _this_." I gestured up and down my body, smiling. He did not look amused.

"You are a child. I do not like children."

"You don't sound so convinced." He sounded completely convinced. I kept my eyes off him so he didn't know I was bluffing. I did not expect him to just say 'fuck it' and throw me on the ground. But it would be nice if he didn't sound so disgusted at the thought. I'd had to overcome some age barriers, too. His barrier was really just societal anyway. Everyone loved young teenage girls. Most people didn't love middle-aged men except when they couldn't achieve anything better. Oh God, he was middle-aged. He was almost, or was, over the hill. My own parents were hardly older than him. Yet I could not make myself care enough to walk away. He was still someone I would drop my pants for in a second. And although I tried to let on otherwise, I was still a virgin. No one knew, and I didn't intend for them to find out. Maybe actually sleeping with someone would help. Of course, it wasn't just a social thing. It was an experience on my path of life. That sounded pretty sophisticated. I thought about trying to use that on him, but he spoke first.

"Even if I was some sort of pedophile, I would get fired if I became involved with you, and that is something I would never risk." I could see I had offended him with my comment about him not instructing. Did he really love teaching that much? Then why was he such an asshole? That was not a question I should ask.

"That means you've considered it, right? Right?" But the first students were trickling in, and I had to be several floors up in the next ten minutes. Shit. I smiled at him. "I'll see you this afternoon. What time?" I did not see his reaction as I was still avoiding his face, but I had a strong instinct it was unpleasant.

"Five o'clock," he said. "I strongly advise you give up." If only it was that easy. I shrugged and exited the classroom, my heart trying to escape out my throat. I could not believe the things I had just said. I felt daring and exciting. He had seemed aggravated, but he had to put up a show, didn't he? If he just gave in it would mean he truly was creepy and just wanted to hit it and quit it. This way, if I did happen to seduce him, I would know he hadn't been eager. That was a little disappointing, having to work so hard on someone so old and generally unattractive. But it gave me something to look forward and work for. Last year, that goal had been OWLs. But with NEWTs two years away, this year felt a little blank. What did I have to arrange my schedule around? Nothing. Until now. Now I could plan out my schedule around his, conveniently bumping into him one day and completely ignoring him the next. I felt like a child with her first crush. I felt like a stalker. I felt powerful and confident. I felt...late. Runes was already five minutes in when I slid into my desk and the professor glared at me but continued with her teaching, verbally uninterrupted. That was me. I might get distracted sometimes but ultimately, I would stay on the same track.

"What did he say?" Hazel whispered, Jax's arm around her shoulders.

"That I'm disgusting." It was partially true. She grew angry at his supposed words.

"You're not!"

"I kinda am," I said. Anyone plotting as much as I for the purpose I intended was disgusting. I felt rather like a Slytherin. But I pushed the negativity aside and began to take notes. I spent the rest of the day in a studious haze, doing the best to ignore my plans. These were the distractions I accounted for. School work was still highly important, of course. Without education I would get nowhere in life. My study period was just as busy with homework, and dinner I had to make sure Melanie ate enough. She might have thrown it up after, but I had done my part to the best of my ability. At five o'clock (or more accurately 4:55 when I left for the dungeons) I was free to pursue my own selfish wants. When I entered the potions class, Professor Snape was grading a stack of papers. Papers, on the first day of school? That was a lot even for him. A dirty rag and a bucket of solution sat on the desk nearest to him. Along the wall sat rows of dirty cauldrons. I could figure out my assignment easily enough. He didn't want to talk to me. Oh well.

"So, are you actually reading those or do you just default a P for everyone not in Slytherin?" He did not look up for a few moments.

"Has it ever occurred to you that Slytherins actually work the hardest in potions?"

"It has. I was high at the time," I said, grinning. He did not share my sense of humor. He 'hmph'ed and I grinned wider. "Only old people 'hmph' you know."

"Exactly. I am an old person. Now serve your detention before I deduct more points," he said, but he set down his quill. I inwardly congratulated myself on my small success.

"Doesn't matter. Hufflepuff will never win the House Cup. It's Gryffindor and Slytherin for everything. Maybe a Ravenclaw if the Sorting Hat fucks up."

"Your language is unnecessarily coarse."

"That's not the only thing," I said. He stared. "Wink wink nudge nudge?" He still did not laugh. I sighed. We were not on the same wavelength. Or I was just terribly unfunny. Either way it was useless to try. "You really have absolutely no interest in me at all? Not even one time of 'no strings attached, secret till I die' sex?"

"Absolutely, totally, completely none."

"I guess I'll just have to keep earning detentions until you do," I said, and grabbed my cleaning materials. I could tell he was watching me as I moved over to the cauldrons and settled on the ground to begin scrubbing. The gunk dried on them was sometimes crusty, sometimes gooey, and always smelly. Delicious. I dipped the rag in the solution and began to clean the first one. It was no big deal for me to clean things, but it felt so unnecessary with a capable wizard sitting two feet away. One sweep of a wand and it would all be cleaner than I could ever make it. But that would only be something a reasonable wizard would do, and even I could admit Professor Snape was far from reasonable.

I was on my sixth cauldron when he spoke. "You would really never talk to me again?" I was careful to hide my face as I smiled.

"Well, I'd have to answer in classes," I said, turning to look at him. I studied his nose, his lips, his forehead. Not his eyes.

"Yes but otherwise?"

"Not if you don't want me to."

"Even if I want you to, you shouldn't," he said. It definitely sounded like he had just agreed to sleep with me. I was not imagining that. Well, so much for my year-long goal, and him holding out to avoid looking creepy, and everything else I'd thought. I felt a bit disgusted that he'd given in pretty easily. Maybe he did lust after every girl in the school. Maybe that was why he stayed even though he was constantly angry. Angry or sexually frustrated? Oh man. Despite my new train of thoughts, he was still handsome in my eyes.

"Okay," I said. "I won't."


	2. Chapter 2

Of course, we didn't do anything. When I walked over to him and put my hands on him, he got up and left the classroom. It was a little disappointing, but mostly it was nice to know I would still have something to plan for. I scrubbed the rest of the cauldrons clean and then went to the common room. It was crowded and noisy but before I could escape Jane grabbed me and pulled me into her lap. It was incredibly awkward, but at least there was plenty of cushioning. I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees and Ella began to speak. "You see, girls, clumpy eyelashes are the bane of all good-looking woman." She obviously thought she was imparting treasured words of wisdom, and the real unfortunate thing was that her listeners seemed to agree. They were mostly too young to be wearing makeup but they did it anyway, and badly. At least she was trying to help even if it was only to make herself look educated and fashionable. Ha. The only thing Ella could teach them properly was how to screw up every good thing in their life. Yes, she really should be telling them to dump the one guy that didn't hit you because he was a 'pussy,' put out or else no one would love you, try every 'non addictive' drug once or twice or ten times, and chase away all your friends by choosing boys over them. But I was sounding bitter even to myself, so I stood up. Apparently this interrupted her makeup spiel because she glared at me. "Do you want to say something Raspberry? I should hope not because you apply your makeup even worse than these poor dears." She laughed and I laughed, which stopped her mirth. "What?"

"Oh nothing," I said. I could think of a million responses - I had taught her to wear makeup in the first place, putting on as much gunk as possible did not mean it looked good, guys did not appreciate lip gloss all over their dick...but I would never actually say any of those. It would create too much drama and she would find some way to cut me down. As little as I cared what she thought, she still sometimes had things she could say or do that hurt. Our fifth year had been too much of a constant struggle. I just wanted to put it all to rest. "Do you guys know where Hazel is?"

"With Jax." I gave my best 'duh' look and Ella rolled her eyes at me. This was so impossibly immature. I needed to get away.

"They said they'd be at the lake," Melanie said. I was surprised to hear her; I hadn't noticed she was there. I felt like a jerk for having not seen her.

"Want to come with me, Melanie?" I asked. I wanted no one else to come, but if they wanted to they'd find a way. She stood up immediately, smiling. Her weight gain was now obvious in the fact she actually had cheeks when she smiled. It made me rather happy and it also reminded me I still needed to owl Tom. "Well, come on then." I hurried out of the room before anyone else could ask to join us. But then things got a little uncomfortable as we silently walked down to the lake. I had no idea what to talk to her about. She probably wanted to ask about Tom but I could not bring up the subject myself. The whole situation was just odd. I knew if our mom found out the age difference would bother her. Oh man, it was hilarious to picture how our mom would react. She would probably yell and cry and then hug everyone in the room and congratulate him. She was overdramatic and overemotional, which was a fun contrast to our stoic father.

"Can I ask you something?" I nodded and tried to prepare myself to answer whatever questions she asked about Tom without making him look like a douche. "Are you only being friends with me because Hazel's always with Jax?" Whoa. Not what I was expecting. I pushed my eyebrows together at the unexpectedness and, frankly, the absurdity.

"Of course not," I said. "What makes you think that?" We were now outside, and we could see two figures kissing at the edge of the lake. This was going to be fun to interrupt.

"Well we never really talked before this year but I haven't changed. Maybe...did Tom ask you to be friends with me?" So I was right and she had been thinking about Tom. She sounded like she wanted this to happen, like it would be some sort of proof he cared about her.

"Have you guys talked since you...well, you know?" I hated saying 'sex' with the connotation of my brother being involved, despite how immature and inexperienced I sounded.

"Uh...not really. Once. And he didn't mention me, huh? I guess...he probably...well I probably had different expectations than him about the whole thing," she said.

"I really don't think he's enough of a selfish bastard to do that to you," I said. Hazel and Jax were just a few yards away, and they broke apart. Our feet swished in the grass, an irritating sound. Hazel was smiling at me but Jax looked annoyed. "I'll talk to him for you."

"If you want to. But don't make him talk to me if he doesn't want to." I felt ridiculously bad that my brother had done this to her, but I was also confused. Maybe her Tom wasn't my Tom. My Tom had always been nerdy and unsuccessful in his attempts at getting girls, and if he did happen to get one he usually got obnoxiously clingy or he felt so awkward he just walked away. Oh. Duh. I was pretty sure Melanie had taken his virginity so that was why he felt so awkward about it. But that didn't make his avoidance any more justified or fair. He should be smart enough to realize that she would take it seriously and personally if he just avoided her. It was such a teenager thing to say, but all I could think was 'boys are stupid.' I didn't think this for long because Hazel bounded up to me and wrapped her arms around me.

"You were just giving him a boner. Don't touch me," I said. She and Melanie laughed but Jax looked embarrassed. Oops. This was probably a large factor as to why I knew dating at Hogwarts was a bad idea - besides the usual things that could go wrong, I had absolutely no concept of the inside of the male mind and I tended to say random, mortifying things when I was just trying to be funny. Then again, he probably didn't know Hazel had told me pretty much every single detail of their relationship, emotional and physical. If he did, my little joke wouldn't have bothered me at all compared to the complete humiliation he would feel. "Hey Haze, I need to talk to you about something." This was the whole reason I came all the way down here. I needed advice about Professor Snape, and I needed it pretty badly. Of course, I'd have to be vague which meant she couldn't be too terribly helpful. But a mind and a half are better than just a mind, right?

"Okay." She tugged me away from Melanie and Jax, leaving them to make awkward small talk. Melanie's obvious height advantage over Jax was quite amusing, at least to me. "What's up?" she asked once we were sufficiently far away.

"Well. I want to sleep with this guy but it would be rather wrong and he would get in trouble with all sorts of people. But today he almost said yes, then he walked away. So I need your advice on how to seduce him." She was grinning when I finished but I could not decide why. She told me without me having to ask.

"Oh Raspberry. Of course you want to sleep with someone rather than date them. Only you."

"Well, can you help?"

"Of course I can't," she said, no longer smiling. "You know I can't support emotionally unattached sex. Besides, I'm not much for seduction."

"I guess." She'd never had to try because guys liked her automatically for how beautiful she was. So really, every step she took was part of her sex appeal. She just didn't realize it. I wasn't going to say this because she would whine about how I was prettier than her, I just didn't see it. But everyone always says that. No one would ever say 'I'm very attractive and you're actually quite ugly.' Ella would but in that first statement she would be incorrect. My thoughts rambled as Hazel stared at me, waiting for a further response. Or maybe she'd said something else and I'd missed it. That was the more likely explanation for the look she was giving me. But I didn't much care for what she thought of me at the moment. I was quite peeved she'd refused to help me based on her own morals. It wasn't like I was asking her to sleep with him first and then give me pointers. I should have said date. That would have worked. But it was too late now. "Thanks for listening, I guess," I said. She brightened, smiling.

"No problem. Now, can I get back to Jax's boner?" She laughed. I didn't. We walked back over to where we'd left the others, and they were actually getting along. Weird. Melanie had always been so shy before. I attributed her outgoingness to actually having the energy to be outgoing.

"Melanie, do you want to leave now?"

"Can't we all just hang out?" I was surprised to find Jax had said this. He had never seemed particularly fond of me, probably because he had to share Hazel with me. Melanie and Hazel seemed just as eager to do this, but I really just wanted to go.

"How about you guys stay and I'll leave?" I knew if I waited for an answer Hazel would find some way to persuade me to stay so I turned and sped away, ignoring her calling my name. She might be a little mad later, but I was a little mad too so it was okay.

I decided to just wander around the castle, which was something I had not done before. It was quiet and mostly deserted. And ridiculously, ridiculously large. I grew tired before I'd fully covered the first floor and began to consider heading back to the common room and turning in early. On the second floor, I passed by one couple making out and then decided to find an abandoned corridor or classroom and sit there. That was far preferable to continuing along aimlessly and interrupting more lip locked teenagers. Honestly, there was always some place better to fool around than the hallways. Unluckily, I ran into Professor Snape before I could find an appropriate place to stay. He was the perfect image of a tortured soul as he stared out the window, his forearms rested against the glass. Ha. Had I turned him into this brooding character? That was quite a delicious prospect. What was not delicious was when he turned and glared at me. I looked at his forehead instead of his eyes. I wasn't sure if I had anything to hide, but I would rather be safe than sorry.

"Have you been following me?" he asked, and I grinned.

"Oh yeah. I have nothing better to do with my time than follow around my lonely little professor." He just glared. He really didn't look so greasy, now. In fact he looked rather clean. His nose was still abnormally large. I felt the strong desire to stroke it. If I was close enough, I would have. But in the amount of time it would take me to move up to him, he would probably run away. No, I could not use a word like run to describe the great and all powerful Severus Snape. I would say stride or storm or...trot. The image my mind conjured of him trotting was enough to expel laughter from my lungs. He did not seem to appreciate my fit of giggles. "Have you ever trotted before?" He still said nothing, so I sighed. "Have you ever slept with a student before?"

"No," he snapped, finally breaking his vow of silence. Success. He probably did not realize how much control I had over him. It was only to goad him into doing certain small things, but even that control was rewarding. "I never will."

"Yes you will," I said. I took a step closer to him and he did not back away. Being so close to the object of my desire put my stomach into those familiar knots and I wished I could see if I was affecting him at all. As it was, he remained visibly frustrated and aggravated. "I already said I wouldn't tell anyone."

"It's a lot more than that." He spoke through clenched teeth. "I do have personal morals, despite what you may want to believe. You are just a child."

"You know, you said that before, but I still think you want me." Before I completely comprehended what was happening, he stepped forward and shoved me against the wall. It was too painful for me to enjoy, but I didn't try to move away or tell him to stop. Right when I was sure the stones were going to break the skin on my back, he kissed me. It was the briefest, softest kiss and it was a complete contrast to what he was doing with my body. I forgot to not meet his gaze. His eyes were so dark his pupils were almost indiscernible and his nose was awkwardly close to my face. Wrinkles lined his face; his teeth were a little yellow.

"It will never happen," he said. I did not believe him at all. He did not believe himself. I was driving myself crazy wondering what he was thinking - if he was disgusted or enjoying himself. He was still crushing me and it was becoming hard to breathe but I had no wish for him to move away. If he moved away now, I would probably never have another chance. This wasn't healthy for either one of us though. Unless he was a total creep, he would feel guilty. I would probably feel guilty for pushing him into it and also disgusted. When I was older, I might regret him being my first. None of these worries mattered at all against how much I wanted him. So I wriggled my arms out from under him and placed my hands on my neck and this time I kissed him. It was the wrong move. He pulled away, violently, angrily, and then he was gone before I could decide which direction he went in. I felt like he was playing a game just as much as I was - a little bit at a time until finally it happened. But I didn't like that game. If that was what he was doing, I would have to try and make him break his rules. If he was just feeling very very guilty and trying to stay away from me...I was going to hell.

As thrilling as my first day of school was, the rest of the week was equally monotonous. Classes were mostly lectures, and Hazel, Melanie, and Jax morphed into this single unit that I could not, and had no desire to, join. There was pleasure in going to Potions class, but with Professor Snape steadfastly ignoring me it was a minor feeling indeed. Saturday arrived with three incomplete essays and twenty sheets of parchment in notes to be reviewed. If I had any course of action that would have put off my studies until Sunday, I would have gladly taken it. But at the moment, putting off my work was just lazy procrastination. Hence the reason I spent breakfast drawing up a chart of my day. The essays were allotted an hour each. That translated to three hours in the library, scribbling, open textbooks spread out across the tabletop. Then lunch, which was a brief affair requiring twenty minutes maximum. Reviewing was something I could do in the common room and without the pressure of a grade. That was simply a task I did because I was a good student. That I would give four hours, with the first ten minutes of each hour for wandwork and the last ten minutes a break. That means at five I would be free for the rest of the evening. Well, I could figure out something to do when that time arrived.

Scheduling finished, I was in the process of reaching for a biscuit when the mail swooped in. My family was not much for owling, so I was rather surprised when a letter dropped on my plate. It was an unfamiliar owl and the letter was unaddressed. Still, I doubted an owl would make a mistake, so I opened the letter without much consideration of what its contents would be. It was a sheet of parchment folded into thirds, and it simply said _my quarters, six _but I could recognize the handwriting from the years I'd spent copying it down. I refolded the parchment and stuck it into my pocket, ignoring my screaming instincts to look at Professor Snape. The most logical explanation was that he wanted to tell me to stay away or something similar, but why would he arrange a special meeting just for that? Even if that was the reason, I usually got around his intentions. Did I want to, though? I think it was pretty clear that if he was attracted to me at all, whether for completely perverted reasons or not, he was fighting it. Judging by the way he treated everyone, I would guess he had enough guilt and self-hate to deal with already. So I resolved that tonight, nothing physical would happen. I got up and left the Great Hall still without looking at him.

The door to the hall had barely shut behind me when it opened again. I turned around and found Melanie. She looked like she had gained even more weight this week. "Tom owled me back," she said, breathless and full of smiles. I hadn't planned for this conversation. "He asked for my picture and he sent me this. And he apologized for taking so long. And just...he's amazing!" She held up the mentioned picture. It was uncomfortable to confirm that the object of her affections was indeed my brother. In the picture he was shifting and awkward, constantly shielding us from his face.

"Nice," I said.

"I don't have his address though." Oh. I should have known she had an ulterior motive for talking to me. That made the interruption all the more aggravating.

"I'll write it down and put it on your nightstand," I said. "I'm in a hurry though." Without waiting for her to fumble through a goodbye, I turned and walked off. I needed to talk to Hazel about her ignoring me in favor of Jax. That could be part of my plan for tomorrow.

As I settled into the library and began to work on my essays, my thoughts jumped to Professor Snape and his note. The parchment was poking lightly into my hip, constantly reminding me of what was coming tonight. But that was not productive to writing a two foot history of goblin armor so I pulled the parchment out and slid it under my book. There. Except out of sight, out of mind was never particularly effective for me and I only wrote out a few inches worth before my mind focused once more on what his intentions could be. I wished I had looked at him, just to see if there was some kind of emotion of his face. But I didn't want to appear like I was desperate to talk to him, although I rather was. Then I probably would have accidentally made eye contact with him, and I didn't like him being able to see my thoughts. So it was good I hadn't looked at him, but that didn't stop me from wishing.

I spent my hours in the library with this pattern of clearing my mind of Professor Snape, only to find him invariably back on it. It was a frustrating distraction, and as a consequence I exceeded my three hours and was forced to skip lunch. It was ridiculous what just the thought of meeting with him could do. I had moved beyond my strong physical attraction to a total infatuation. I didn't want to just sleep with him, I wanted to talk with him as well. It was disturbing. When I'd just been chasing a physical goal, it was easier and simpler. Get in, get out, no questions asked. Now I probably couldn't do that. Not that I loved him, or even liked him strongly. But I was attached. Fuck.

"Raspberry?" When Hazel said my name, I realized I was gripping the edges on the table painfully hard and glaring at my book. A snapped quill lay on top of an unused sheet of parchment, dripping ink. I did not remember what had happened. "Are you okay?" No, not at all.

"Yes. I miss you though." That was an incorrect time to say so. It looked like I had flipped out because I was mad at her. This was how she read it, as well, because she immediately jumped on me with a hug and squealed loud enough to draw shushing noises from the librarian. She blushed at the attention but didn't remove her arms from around me. I could tell my reviewing was going to start quite a bit later than intended. This was an acceptable delay, though.

"I have been spending too much time with Jax, haven't I? I'm such a crappy friend." She frowned and flopped into the seat next to me, not such a smart thing to do on hard wooden seats. "How about tomorrow we spend all day together, just you and me being girly?"

"Remove 'girly' from our plans and we have a deal." I smiled and she grinned. "How did you know I was here?"

"I didn't. I came here to work on my own goblin armor essay," she said, pulling from closer to her and skimming it.

"You can copy mine if you want." I would never let anyone else copy, but she was close enough to my only friend and I had to do what I could to keep her happy.

"Nah. They would know I'm not that smart," she said, releasing my work and grinning once more. "So, I don't want details, but how is the thing with your boy going?"

"It's terrible in some ways, terrific in others." We spent several hours talking in the library, but the whole time I was ticking off how much it was detracting from my reviewing and how little time I had left before I would be with Professor Snape. It was 4:30 before Jax wandered in, saw Hazel, and dragged her away. He would probably not like our plans for tomorrow very much. It was weird that I'd thought her the dominating one, yet she was always doing what he wanted. Relationships were weird in general, which is why my dating pledge was a good one. I simply ignored the fact that going after my professor was worse than any other failed teenage relationship could be. Well, only if I was successful. At the moment, I didn't think he'd get in much trouble for what had happened, if anyone was to find out. I still wasn't planning on anyone finding out.

I spent my remaining time showering and getting dressed and redressed. Originally, I was going to wear robes but after trying on black, blue, and yellow ones I decided to try Muggle clothes. Although I had less of them, they really were more flattering. The only problem is no matter what, Muggle clothes looked like I was trying to appear attractive. Then again, I was. And I didn't have the energy to play games. I chose black jeans and a pastel yellow sweater. Hufflepuff colors, oh yeah. It was 5:45 when I finished with my makeup, which left a little more time than needed to get to his office. Looking at myself in the mirror, I realized I was just like a hyper little giggly girl going on a date. Oh gross. I was probably going to arrive all dressed up and he was going to tell me I was obnoxious and foolish and unwanted. But I didn't have time to clean my face. So I was forced to walk down to his quarters, feeling embarrassed and immature. Why had I put so much effort into this? Maybe it wasn't even really him. Maybe I'd just seen the handwriting I wanted to see.

It was 5:59 when I knocked on the door and six o'clock when he opened it. The first thing I noticed was Professor Snape smelled extremely good, and the second was that he was smiling. Smiling. I had never seen him smile in a way that was not sarcastic and mocking. Now it was awkward and uncomfortable, but it was still a smile. I felt confused by his sudden change in mood. But it was nice to see, no matter the reasons. He was wearing his typical black robes and his hair had its usual greasy sheen, but I knew I had not dressed inappropriately. He shut the door and we stood there in silence. It was a sitting room, with two doors on the wall in front of us. The open one, I could see, led to a small kitchen. The closed one was probably his bedroom.

"I'm glad you came," he said. He put his hand on my arm. I remembered my decision to not let things become physical tonight. But surely that little gesture was okay. Hazel touched my arm all the time. Sure, I didn't get butterflies and warm cheeks and giggles caught in my throat when she did it. That was hardly the point.

"Why did you ask me to come here?"

"I think the most relevant question is why you accepted."

"I wanted to see you," I said, deciding to be honest. We were sitting on his couch now, my hands in his. He was in total control because my mind was spinning too fast for me to even vaguely comprehend what was happening. Four days ago he had said he would never sleep with me, ever, and now it seemed like he had never wanted anything more. "To talk to you," I added, emphasizing talk. He didn't take his hands away.

"So let's talk." He was not acting like any side of Professor Snape I had ever seen. It was a little scary. But not ultimately bad. If only he could have been this way the first day I'd been attracted to him, I would never have all these emotions connected to him. And I could tell he would never have emotions for me. Coming here now seemed like a stupid idea. The intelligent thing to do would be to excuse myself or just get up and leave, anything to get away. But for all my grades said otherwise, I acted very poorly and stayed. We didn't talk, despite what we both had said. We just sat there, my palms sweating, his fingers tracing the edges and pieces of my face for hours. The scariness went away and everything became soft and nice and I forgot how much older he was. "You should go," he said, at midnight. Past the student curfew. But this would be worth any punishment I might receive and the tiredness I would feel the next day. The next day, which would be physically full of Hazel but really I would be reliving every moment of the past six hours.

When I stood up to go, he stood also. "Bye," I said. He hugged me, and it was a stiff but nice. Then he kissed my forehead and I had to leave quickly because I felt myself wanting to ask to stay, all night. I knew he would have said yes.

* * *

A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for reading. A couple people said Snape is OOC - and you're right! And it'll just get worse! Haha. As this chapter shows. If you dislike that, you should probably stop reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

Sundays were usually my day for excessive sleeping in, until one or two in the afternoon. This was particularly useful when I'd stayed up until midnight and when I had no plans. However, on the first Sunday of my sixth year, I woke up before breakfast was served, compliments of Hazel jumping on my bed. She was grinning and I wanted to punch her for waking me up so early. But it was nice to see she was so excited to spend time with me, so I kept my complaints minimal as I dressed and she bounced around annoying Jane and Ella. Melanie slept soundly throughout the whole ordeal.

"So why did you wake me up this early?" I asked as soon as we had gotten outside. It was unusually chilly for September, and I wished I'd grabbed my scarf.

"To ask you about why you were out so late!" she exclaimed, locking her elbow with mine. The grass left sweeps of wetness across the toes of our shoes. The vague breeze blew her hair about her head and even fresh from sleep, she looked absolutely stunning. Her genuine interest in where I'd been made me forget about her refusal to help me with Professor Snape. I sort of had him now, anyway. It was inevitable that we'd sleep together soon. No use crying over spilled milk. Was that phrase effective there? Either way, I was happy she was my friend.

"Well...well. Remember the guy I asked for advice about?" The statement brought a squeal to her lips and I had to smile. "We haven't done what I asked you about though. We just sat there. It was nice."

"So you're going to tell me who it is now, right?" she asked. I shook my head and she pouted. The conversation was starting to feel ridiculously typical and staged. After the extreme, beautiful surrealism of my interaction of last night, this was all too real and boring. If we didn't have this day set aside for each other, I could probably have spent more time with him. This thought almost brought me to tears, which almost made me flush in embarrassment out of the neediness it portrayed. I would see him on Tuesday. That was only two days away. Surely nothing could happen between now and then to change things between us. Then again, things had changed so much in just one little meal, and had been changing consistently since then. Maybe I shouldn't put so much faith in this whole thing. The truth was, even if he never wanted to speak to me again, the night before would remain one of the best nights of my life. That was truly pathetic. I would have to be careful to never ever think that when we made eye contact. "Oh come on," she pleaded, when it was obvious I really wasn't going to tell her.

"No," I said. "So darling, how has life been since we graduated?"

"Oh, positively fabulous, love. Well, most of it. I've had thirteen kids with dearest Jax, and he makes so much money, but then he cheated on me with Ella! Do you remember her?"

"Of course I remember that beast. How ghastly of him! I call for revenge."

"Revenge?"

"Cheat back on the bastard," I said, grinning at her. She stopped and looked at me and was no longer smiling. "What?"

"Would you really cheat as revenge?"

"No. I figure if someone doesn't care enough to cheat, they don't care if I do it back. It'll just give me herpes as karma for sleeping around."

"I think Jax really is cheating on me," she said. I didn't know how to answer. A part of me was quite irritated at her bringing up Jax on 'our' day. The whole purpose of waking up early was to escape her boyfriend. Yet he had wormed his way back into our conversation. Yet I could not voice this, because it would be selfish and inconsiderate. Then there was the fact we had mentioned Professor Snape, so I kind of broke our unspoken contract too. Instead, I put my arms around her shoulders and she rested her head on my shoulders.

"Hazel, you don't really think that, do you? You guys are always together."

"Not _always_. He could be snogging other girls in class or sneaking them into his dorm at night," she said.

"I think everyone would notice," I said.

"They probably do! But no one will tell me cause they don't care or they don't want to hurt me." She sounded positively absurd and paranoid. Again, this was not something I could say. Instead, I dropped my arms and then sat down on the grass. She joined me and then we fell back on the grass together. The sky had lightened considerably, although it was still early. Probably eight or nine. It drove me crazy not knowing.

"I think he's crazy about you. But if you're really worried, you should sit down and discuss it with him." God, such mature advice. No one ever acted mature and levelheaded in relationships. If they did, they'd never fall in love. Marriages would be businesses and sex would be for reproduction only. Just a week earlier, that would have sounded pretty good to me. But if that was true now, I would never have had last night. So it sounded like an absolutely horrible idea.

Eventually, as we spent the day talking and eventually got back to laughter, the sun came out hot and bright. Heat made both of us sleepy and with waking up so early, we fell asleep in the grass. It wasn't sunny enough to burn us, luckily. But when we woke up, it was almost dark. It was unfamiliar to me to have spent the whole day outside. My chest felt lighter and I felt happy. A lot of this probably had to do with not constantly fretting over following a schedule. But I didn't admit that to myself. I blamed it on Hazel and her cheerful presence.

"I'm really fucking hungry," she said and we laughed. We used each other as a support to stand and then walked inside. Dinner had just started. Jax immediately ran over and swooped her to the emptier part of the table. I doubted she would take my advice on how to deal with her suspicions. But I didn't worry about it. I sat down next to Melanie and piled my plate with an assortment of food. I had not eaten anything that day, and my stomach used pain to remind me of this. For once I wasn't considering how long it would take me to eat certain things and how many calories there were, and then plan the meal out according to that. However I wasn't really sure if that was the hunger or just the general carefreeness of the day. It didn't matter because tomorrow life would return to order and schedule.

"Where were you guys today?" Melanie's question interrupted my (honestly, quite disgusting) eating.

"Outside."

"You know, Jax thought she was with a guy," she said.

"That's ironic," I said.

"Well...Tom's visiting me next weekend," she said. I lifted my eyebrows at her. Did she think I really cared about her relationship with my brother? I tried to think of something to say. I looked at her plate and saw a spoonful of green beans and a banana. She saw me looking and her face went red. "Don't tell him I'm not eating so well, okay?"

"Not eating so well? That's amazing, for you." She smiled and I smiled back, but frankly I was annoyed with her. Something about her seemed different and quite obnoxious. But I couldn't decide what had changed. Maybe it's because she had always been so quiet that I hadn't known her at all, and now that I did I didn't like her. That was plausible. The problem was I couldn't be mean to her, and being neutral would seem mean to her. Then I would have Hazel, Jax, and Tom on my ass and Melanie would probably have a bad dip in eating. Ah. This was all sounding far too complicated. There really should be some sort of button that one could just press and end a friendship without hurting feelings. Even better would be a button that made friendships perfect and easy right away. Skipping all the awkward 'getting to know each other' steps would be perfect. "I've got to go, Mel," I said, finishing the last of some grilled chicken. She nodded and went to work cutting a green bean into impossibly small slivers. I put my palms on the table and stood up. I used the movement as a sort of cover to finally look at Professor Snape. The first second I saw him send a jolt through my stomach, similar to but not as strong as my initial attraction to him. He was looking at his plate with a sort of bored attitude. The fingers that had touched my face so carefully were wrapped around silverware, but he was not eating. Professor McGonagall and Flitwick were talking around him. I could not watch any longer without looking like I was staring, so I turned and dropped my hand on Melanie's shoulder before walking away.

* * *

The rest of my evening was free and it was seven thirty. I would probably not get to sleep until very late due to my nap, so I decided I would take advantage of the time to fulfill the reviewing I had missed yesterday. But Sunday was not a good day for making plans because as soon as I had settled in the common room with my notes, an owl swooped in through the open window and dropped a letter in my lap. The occupants of the room watched the creature, not me, so I didn't completely hide my anticipation as I opened it. I was pleased but not surprised to find it was from Professor Snape. He had merely signed his name but I got the message. I used my wand to erase his name and then dropped it into the fire, casual so as not to spark interest. Most Hufflepuffs weren't adventurous enough to care what the notes of others said. Besides, Ella was entertaining them all by applying lipstick using her cleavage. Odd. Instead of wondering about that, I put away my materials and made my way down to his quarters. It was hard to not run.

"Hi," I said when he opened the door. "Do you ever wear Muggle clothes?"

"No," he said, shutting the door as I sat on the couch. I leaned against the left armrest and he copied my position on the right. Our feet touched. "I'm not a Muggle." His fingers played with the edges of my hair momentarily. "I need to make something very clear. I cannot kiss you again, and we can never do anything beyond that either."

"Why?"

"I have no desire to be fired, and even less of a desire to be jailed."

"Oh," I said. "You don't think you'd be fired over this?"

"No. Suspended, possibly, but I am quite positive he would not fire me for this." As he said this, he reached out and rested his fingertips on my lips. Thinking about what he was doing, it seemed weird. If Hazel told me Jax had touched her lips, I would have laughed. But I did not feel like laughing. I felt like melting into a puddle of warm gooey good feelings.

"What about when I graduate?" I asked. He took his hand away when I started to speak and I wanted to tell him to put it back. I didn't, of course. Still unwilling to meet his gaze and have my thoughts invaded, I focused on where his neck peeked out from his robes. They were high collared, so it was less of his neck and more of his chin.

"You'll realize how sick I am before then." It really wasn't sick though, not to me. Previously I had believed he had to be at least somewhat disturbed. But knowing he still wanted to be with me even with such strong physical limitations, I could no longer think that. I wasn't going to waste my time try to convince him otherwise though. I could guess how futile that was. He reached out and shifted me so that we were lying down, his arms loose around my waist. It was a tight fit and I liked that. We stayed that way silently for almost an hour and a few times I drifted off into a shallow sleep. The sleepiness was probably what drove me to say:

"Do you know you are extremely attractive?" He laughed at my question, but it was a bitter laugh. He sounded like the usual Professor Snape and I hated it.

"You met my eyes when I...kissed you. I know what you think of me," he said, his lips just behind my ear. What? I tried to remember what I was thinking. The moment had been too shocking for me to have much conscious thought, besides to kiss him back. So what was he talking about? I asked and he answered. "You were thinking that I'm wrinkled and my teeth are yellow and I'm not as _greasy as usual_."

"Well, it's true," I said, still confused. I wished I was facing him. "Everyone has flaws. You're still more attractive to me than anyone else in the school." He didn't say anything to this, and I was glad for the return of silence. But now it was not as comfortable. I had to wonder, if he cared so much about flaws, why was he with me? "You know, if you're worried about being greasy, you could just shower more," I added after a few moments, trying to be helpful. He laughed again, quieter but actually amused.

"I do shower. Unfortunately, being in an unventilated dungeon with potions fumes all day does enough damage to counteract that," he said.

"Oh."

"Yes. May I ask why your parents named you Raspberry?"

"I would suspect LSD. My siblings are Tomfoolery, Kaleidoscope, and Handkerchief."

"Your parents are drug addicts?"

"Yeah," I said. "Not in a bad way."

"What is the good way to be a drug addict?" He sounded genuinely angry, which made me happy because it seemed like it was out of concern for my well-being.

"Don't bother about it. I don't remember any trips I had inside the womb." He was quiet and I could tell he was angry. "Professor Snape?" I said, unsure what else I could say to edge the conversation along."You know I was kidding right?"

"Did you call me Professor Snape?" he asked, apparently not going to answer my question. He frowned when I nodded. "In private, you may call me Severus." Severus. The name was odd to attach to him, even considering the fact that nothing about how I felt towards him was 'professor' like.

"You know, if we were Muggle celebrities, our couple name would be Sevarry. Severberry. Raserus. Ha. I like that. It sounds like it's from Egyptian mythology."

"Couple name?" he repeated, still frowning. "We are not a couple. I hope you understand that."

"So I can get a boyfriend and still come here at night?" I asked.

"If you feel comfortable doing that to your boyfriend," he said, his voice flat.

"Please don't say that." Severus listened by not saying anything. Instead, he shifted so I was off him and walked into his bedroom. What? I wasn't sure why he did that. Maybe I'd overstepped some sort of unintentional emotional boundary. Maybe he was trying to get us in a position that led to sex. Ha, I I followed him in, I found him sitting down on the edge of his bed. His shoulders were perfectly straight. "You really don't care?"

"Of course I care," he said. It was hard to hear him his voice was so low. I wanted to sit on the bed next to him but thought that might make him angry or uncomfortable. "But I have no claim on you."

"I'm one hundred percent yours," I said. He stood up but still did not turn around so I could look at him. I mostly expected him to ask me to leave, so I was utterly surprised at his response.

"You may stay the night. From now on though, you must be back in your dorm by curfew. You can't come every night, and sometimes you should probably come while I am out and about so that we are not always gone at the same time." I did not like that he was laying down all the rules without my input but I knew I could not have him any other way. I would not give him all the power in the relationship but I would give him this.

"Okay. I'm going to take my robe off," I said, and did. I was wearing ratty black shorts and a wife beater underneath, but it was obvious he thought it was inappropriate. I tried not to laugh.

"I will prepare for bed in the bathroom," he said, and he sounded uncomfortable, and it was adorable. He pulled a few articles of clothing from his dresser and then left, and I had time to consider the situation. I was in my potions professor's bedroom, mostly undressed, sitting on his bed and waiting for him to come in so we could sleep together. Literally, not as a euphemism. Even when I had begun to sort of chase after him, I had not imagined this would ever happen. Had he been terribly lonely these years as he upheld his reputation of an evil bastard? I had no doubt that there was still some sinister, cruel side to him, even worse than how he acted while teaching. The surprising thing was it didn't bother me in the slightest. Not because I was naive enough to believe he would never show it to me, and I didn't care whether he was truly good or truly evil. Maybe he was a Death Eater like everyone said. It just didn't matter to me, not now, when he was so cutely awkward and angry and everything he had been all night.

I laughed when Severus came back, and he stopped, glaring at me. "Oh no," I said, shaking my head. "Did you realize we match?" And we did, or close enough for it to be funny. He had on a white long sleeved shirt and black sweatpants. I could tell his skin had started to sag lightly from old age. But I thought he was...beautiful. It was a weird word to apply to him, because he did not have feminine features or movements. But it was more fitting than anything else.

"No, I did not realize," he said, and then we were both under the covers and he was holding me tightly and my head was on his chest. It was hard to breathe, I was so excited and happy. Of course I was thinking of how he said we could not kiss or anything more. How did this not qualify as more? I would give up kissing anyone ever if I could just have this every night. Well, I would only give it up because you didn't have to kiss to do certain things...but I should not think about that when we were so close and I was strictly forbidden to do anything more.

"Severus?" I whispered, not wanting to wake him up if he was sleeping. It felt like hours had passed since we'd first lain down together, but I could see on his clock it had been less than half an hour.

"Raspberry?" he said in return, and his chest rumbled under my cheek.

"I don't see why I can't spend the night at least sometimes. Lots of girls spend the night with their boyfriends."

"Very rarely, yes. But I don't think my self-control is good enough to have you here that often and stay within the law." Oh.

"I'll be 17 on December 28. Then at most you're risking your job," I said, then realized how selfish that sounded. "Not that I'm worth losing your job or anything. I just think that not kissing won't help you keep your job after all this. And if we do manage to last without being discovered until my seventeenth birthday, we can probably make it last until I graduate."

"You are not aware of how important it is for me that I keep this job," he said, and he sounded suddenly furious. His hands on my hips tightened to the point that it was painful. Here was the sinister side I'd been thinking about. I wasn't scared, it was just odd how one moment he was being sweet and the next he was hurting me.

"Do you really spy on Dumbledore, then?"

"What?" And the tone of his voice made me a little scared, but I was more concerned with the fact that he had moved his hands off me. I wanted to make him put them back. He was out of bed now, towering over me, a furious look in his eyes. I sat up. The blankets covered my legs. Now I was completely scared.

"I mean, I don't care either way. But I would be a lot more careful if I knew it was that serious," I said, trying to hide my fear. My wand was in my robe, on the floor. His was sitting atop his nightstand. I would never make it. Even if I did, his magic was far superior to mine anyway. I was basically at his mercy. That didn't stop me from wanting to be with him. If he would just calm down, I would still stay the night.

"You don't care? You don't care? Then obviously you do not realize the magnitude of the question you just asked. Firstly, if I were to answer your question honestly, I would have to kill you because you'd know too much. So I suppose that is a roundabout way of telling you that I am spying for one side, although I won't say which. I really should kill you just for knowing that. Then you must not care about the hundreds of people I have mercilessly tortured and killed in order to do what I believe is right. Of course, don't think that will give you a hint, because no matter what side I am truly on I would have to slaughter to appease the Dark Lord." He was spitting every word. I wanted to hug him and calm him down.

"Well, you're doing what you believe is right, that's really the important thing," I said. I was trying to think of something else to say when suddenly Severus was on top of me, holding me down, gripping my face so tight I was sure I would bruise. But he was kissing me, and despite his rage and his threats of murdering me, I was happy to have this. He was most likely going to kill me or never talk to me again. I should enjoy this. In spite of that, I found myself crying. When my tears slid out of my eyes and hit our joined lips, he pulled away. I was sore from his use of force, but I was sorry he had left me.

"Do you understand now why I said I am sick?" he asked, but his anger had left him. I curled against him, letting him stroke my head and my back.

"I'm only upset because I don't want you to ignore me again. Just let me come back tomorrow, okay? I won't bring it up again," I said.

"You are absolutely criminally insane," Severus said. "Fine. You may. But you can't spend the night anymore. I cannot hurt you again."

"Okay. If I can kiss you sometimes. I mean, you've already broken that rule twice, I don't think it's got much staying power." He nodded, but he didn't seem very happy with this. "In case you are wondering, or will wonder in the future, I forgive you." I leaned up and kissed the corner of his mouth and then tried to go to sleep. My attempts were not very successful, because I was still thinking about what had happened. In a way, I was in an abusive relationship with a mentally unstable murderer. But that was just one way to look at it. It didn't really bother me that he had killed people. Everyone was due to die eventually. And pain on the path to death was just temporary. It wasn't decades of suffering like Severus had to endure. And I believed he suffered because he was spying for the "light" side. Otherwise, why would he care if he killed? They were probably all Mudbloods and blood traitors. No matter the good he was ultimately doing, he probably loathed himself entirely for the loss of their lives. And he might feel guilty about how he'd treated me tonight, although I hoped he wouldn't. It had led Severus to agree to kisses so it was all worth it. I would just have to be careful what I said around him. Doing homework with him was probably the safest option at this point.

I was faking sleep when Severus leaned down and whispered, "I always hurt the ones I love." It wasn't direct, but I got his message loud and clear. He loved me. Not the marriage, soul mate, always and forever love. But still. He loved me. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do to remain still and breathing evenly. I would have preferred to dance to the top of the Astronomy and then scream to the world that Severus Snape loved me, little me, and I would never deserve him at all.

* * *

Upon waking, I found the whole ending of our night quite awkward. We didn't love each other, so why had he said it? I couldn't question him because he didn't know I heard him. I would just have to assume that it was guilt that fueled his confession. But more embarrassing was my internally giddy response to it. I was glad I had continued to fake sleep rather than embarrass myself with some sappy sort of response.

It was four in the morning. Perhaps leaving so early without a farewell was not courteous but it would lower my risk of being seen exiting his quarters. So I put on my robe and left without waking him up. I thought he would understand but still worried throughout the morning. Breakfast, annoyingly enough, consisted of Hazel badgering me about who I'd been with. I didn't give her any hints so she started guessing. But with boys outnumbering girls, she had a lot of guesses to make and the correct one would probably be her last. Her curiosity did not concern me, but I did feel guilty for keeping it from her.

When classes began, I put every emotional thing in the back of my mind. It seemed likely that if my grades started to fail, Severus would put our…relationship on hold. Of course, that was not my only motivation for good grades, but it was the one with the fastest consequences. At first it was a struggle to put him out of my mind, and then I considered that I would not have crossed his thoughts at all today so I should not be so pathetically consumed with him. Emotions do not work so equally, but thinking this allowed me to forget him temporarily. At first. Eventually I gave up and settled for staring out the windows of my classrooms until the school hours had passed.

"I didn't send you a note to come." He left the door open until I sat down on his couch and dropped my schoolbag on the floor in front of me. I had brought everything I needed to do homework but hoped it was mostly unnecessary.

"Obviously you're smarter than me but that doesn't mean you can decide everything," I said, and he rolled his eyes.

'This isn't a power struggle, you silly girl. I've already explained to you that I am risking quite a bit, and so I need more control of the situation." Having control of the situation sounded the same to me as having all the power but already I was tired of fighting and wanted to just be with him.

"Alright," I said, and he lifted his eyebrows. "What?"

"…How much homework do you have?" He looked pointedly at the bag by my feet and I cursed myself for bringing so much. Of course he would try to appear responsible by forcing me to put school above him.

"None," I lied, cheerful. "I did it all during study period. I just thought you might ignore me or something so I came prepared."

"Prepared for me to ignore you?" he asked. I nodded. He frowned. "I assumed you would realize that I am no longer fighting against you." As if to prove this point, Severus next to me on the couch, his body pressed against mine. I almost wanted to ask him to move away because it was impossible to concentrate being so close. But the distraction was enjoyable enough that I endured it.

"Yeah. I guess." I inhaled and realized my breathing had become shaky. I probably looked like a pathetic mess to him. But maybe he liked that. Thinking this, I looked at him. He seemed perfectly put together and in control. Casual. He didn't care whether I stayed or left. And here I was, barely touching him but unable to breathe or speak. I punched the side of my leg, trying to injure myself into calming down. Severus reached across my lap, took my hand, and uncurled my fist. Then he lifted my hand and kissed the tip of each finger without looking at me. I had no idea what to do. So I ruined the moment.

"Have you ever been in love before?" I asked, although my current state raised my voice close to a shout. He dropped my hand and smiled the mocking smile I was so familiar with.

"Before? Am I in love now?" I thought about what he'd said last night. I must have misinterpreted it. I felt worse now than I had at my nonsensical reaction the night before. But I did my best to conceal my embarrassment.

"Okay, I misspoke. But my question still stands," I said. He didn't answer for a while but he did shift away and move his eyes from my face to his bedroom door.

"Yes, I have."

"Tell me about her," I said, although I didn't really want to know. I thought about my assumption that he'd never been kissed nor had loving sex. I had been so stupid to think that, hearing this and especially now knowing what kind of lover he was. He was already so gentle and powerful and awe-inspiring, and he was holding back so much. How would it be if we were the same age? I couldn't even picture it.

"Her name was Lily Evans," he said. He sounded like he thought that explained everything. I had no idea who that was.

"What did she look like?" I pressed. I wanted to hear him fully discuss her, to see if he still loved her. Then again that was unlikely to happen. He was already being considerably open for his nature. Without saying anything, he got up and went into the bedroom. What? I tried not to display my confusion but I felt mostly unsuccessful. I sat on the couch, alone and befuddled, for a few moments and then Severus came back out, a picture in his hand. I tried not to consider the fact that he kept her picture in the bedroom.

It showed a redhead sitting under a tree, pretending to read but flipping the pages too fast to actually be doing it. Then, as I watched, she looked up and smiled. She was extremely pretty in an unconventional way. She looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't place how. I looked away and felt stupid. Why was he with me if he was capable of getting someone like that? Although I wasn't looking in his eyes, he seemed to read my mind.

"We were friends until our sixth year. I was always pathetically longing for her. One day I called her a Mudblood and she never spoke to me again. She got married and had a son and they all died because of me." He said this conversationally, as if discussing the weather, but I guessed this was a heavy contributor to why he was so nasty and bitter. But no, he'd called the person he loved a Mudblood. He'd had issues his whole life.

I thought about telling him it wasn't his fault but I didn't know the situation. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe he'd literally killed them all. It could have been some kind of test to prove his loyalty to You-Know-Who. So it would be useless to offer empty sympathy. Instead, I closed the gap he had created and put my head on his shoulder. He didn't respond to my touch for a moment, but then he dropped Lily's picture and shifted so my head was a more comfortable angle. I thought about the fact he was okay with me kissing him and I thought about doing it but I felt, suddenly, shy. Instead, I put my hand on his neck and rested my fingers on his cheek. I had no idea why I was doing what I was doing. But my physical experience went as far as normal kissing, hugging, etc. Was this cuddling? Something close to it but not quite because Severus Snape would never cuddle. And I felt stupid and naïve compared to how sure he'd been in all our interactions so far. But he didn't look like he was laughing at me so I didn't say anything about it.

"I think you should work on your homework now," he said, after a while. It had been at least an hour but it wasn't enough. I wanted to stay here forever, or at least all day. But he was right. That didn't make me want to do it any more. I felt too sleepy and happy. And unfulfilled. Severus started to move away and so I leaned forward and kissed him. It was awkward for a second, when he wasn't expecting it, and then he was kissing me back and it was a perfect blend of his too-soft kiss and his too-hard kiss, which had been both wonderful but not half as wonderful as this. I was so glad he had decided not to stick to this particular rule.

But it didn't least nearly long enough and then it was over and he was standing up and moving towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked. I was a little pathetically breathless.

"Out. We can't both be unseen all evening. You can stay or leave but I'll be back later. Make sure you do your homework though," he said. He smiled a little and his eyes were a lot lighter shade of brown than I'd always thought. This was also the first time I'd met his eyes in a while. It was too much effort to avoid his gaze. I just shrugged and he left and locked the door behind him.

I felt a little weird that he was leaving right now but I didn't ask him to stay. It was almost time for dinner but I felt us reappearing at the same time would probably be bad. Actually, no one would notice. But if he was going to be paranoid, so would I. And I did have homework to do, anyway.

Thus I resolved to start my homework and even went through the effort of setting myself up with clean parchment, quills, and ink. But as soon as I began writing my first essay, my mind wandered from Magic History to my Potions professor. But no, I wouldn't think like this. I had to focus on school. I tried, once again, telling myself he didn't care. But at the moment I couldn't believe that. I could believe that I was far more attached than he. But that would always be true and was not strong enough to keep me focused on school.

I settled for telling myself that Severus wouldn't like a stupid girl. That worked enough to allow me to scribble out a decent effort. It wasn't anywhere near my best but it would do. As I read my half-assed essay, I realized that I really needed to manage my time better. I'd gone from planning everything around my needs to being focused solely on spending time with Severus. That would not do.

Motivated by these thoughts, I drew up a schedule for my afterschool time for the rest of the week. When I was done, I looked at the time map with pride. No more obsessive behavior for me. To prove it, I gathered up my things and left without waiting for Severus. Not because seeing him would waver my resolve, nope not at all.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning I had Potions. I was overjoyed at the chance to see him without making an obvious show of my feelings but I hated that I would have to see Professor Snape once more. That was okay. I'd have to go through it all year so the sooner I adjusted to it the better.

The dungeon classroom was as cold and smelly as ever, but to my surprise Hazel partnered up with me. "Jax feels bad for taking up so much of my time," she said, "so he told me to come sit with you." She sounded happy and cheerful but falsely so. I turned to look at Jax. He was partnered with Melanie and looked anything but self-sacrificing. What was up with them? They definitely seemed a little closer than friends. But Melanie had seemed pretty attached to Tom. Looking again at Hazel, she seemed to be thinking the same thing. I stayed quiet and got the potions ingredients, cause I didn't know what to say. But while we waited for the cauldron to heat up, she founds words.

"I really think I'm going to lose him. And I really don't think I care. I know Melanie doesn't like him or anything. She's just a little stupid about boys. But he knows what's going on. He's probably thinking he'll make his move and then if she says yes he'll dump me and if she rejects him, he'll stay with me instead of being single. But I'm not gonna let it get to that point." She cut up roots as she spoke, each defining clack of the knife against the cutting board just adding drama to her speech. But I shouldn't be considering her life like a movie. I should be trying to help.

"Well, good. You deserve better," I said. It was lame but it was the best I could come up. It was particularly hard to comfort her when I was so blissfully happy with my own situation. Well, not being _so_ focused on Severus would be good but other than that, yeah. I had never been this happy.

When Hazel didn't answer I thought she was annoyed at me but then I realized she had stopped chopping and was crying silently, her hands clenched in her lap. I reached out and put an arm around her, my hand on her head as she leaned into me. Physical solace, at least, I could provide.

Until Professor Snape stormed over and scowled at us. "Miss Bowen, can you please explain to me your recent interest into turning my classes into your personal therapy sessions?" I thought about saying something like, "Why, Professor, I didn't know you paid so much attention to me." Of course this would be followed by a wink and an appropriately sexy facial expression.

"Sorry, sir," I said instead, sliding my arm off Hazel's shoulder and trying not to vomit at calling him sir. Jax looked at us with obvious puzzlement. Good. What was not good was the interest of Jane, Ella, and all the other busybodies in Hufflepuff. The Ravenclaw students seemed far less interested in our affairs, although there were a few who looked like they were eagerly awaiting my likely punishment.

"Sorry is not sufficient. You and Miss Prue will stay after class to address the matter in further detail." What? What? I looked at Hazel, bewildered, and she looked equally puzzled. Why was he asking us to stay after class? I could kind of understand if it was just me, but then again he'd asked me last week. If Severus was going to be careful, repeatedly keeping me after class was not very intelligent. But it's not like he could say anything with Hazel there. Whatever.

We tried to focus on the potion but Hazel was still upset over Jax and I was trying to work out Severus's motives. The result was that our potion was the complete wrong consistency and had a funny smell. At least the color was close enough to being correct. At the end of class, I cleaned up our station as Hazel dropped off the sample. When she came back, she tried mouthing a few things to me but I didn't understand them. I shrugged and shook my head in response.

When all the students had gone, Severus beckoned us up to his desk. There was a difference between Professor Snape and Severus, and the latter was definitely the one behind the desk. This made me feel a little apprehensive as we walked up. I felt like he would just immediately dismiss Hazel and kiss me until his students came in. Not that I would really mind. In fact, the prospect seemed rather nice. But it would be stupid to do that. I'd have to stop him. And that would be damn hard.

"I think you should tell Miss Prue," he said. I blinked. Tell her to leave? Yeah, I was a bit stuck on that idea. I tried a few other possibilities: tell her that her fly is down (but she was wearing robes), tell her to use less makeup (true but why would Severus care?) but then I got what he was saying. He thought I should tell her about us. He'd told me he was not my boyfriend and that I had no commitment to him. I'd contradicted him but I couldn't exactly claim any stake over him, if that was our official position. What was I going to tell Hazel, that I'd spent a night and several afternoons in his quarters? Ha, yeah. Our time together would be completely innocent compared to the images she'd conjure. And it really had been mostly innocent.

"Tell me what?"

"I don't know what he's talking about," I said. I tried to keep my voice unconcerned, with an appropriate touch of confusion. Hazel seemed to buy it and turned her attention from me to Severus. God she was pretty. Standing next to her made me feel so physically inferior. Normally, I didn't mind. But being in front of the only man I wanted to look good for, I minded a lot. I tried to ignore my insecurities. It mostly worked.

The first few students came in, clustered and talking and loudly, obviously first years.

"Well that is all, then. Please consider what I've talked about." Hazel and I nodded studiously and then hurried out of the classroom towards Runes. As soon as she felt she was safely away, she burst into giggles, clutching at me for support.

"Please consider what I've talked about," she mimicked through her chuckles, her voice uncannily close to his. "What an absolute freak. I mean, honestly, he holds us after class for that? He's loony." I tried to think of something to respond with but I couldn't. Mocking Severus, even to cover up my feelings, was too hard. In fact, I felt like telling Hazel to shut her mouth. But that would do no good. "He should be fired," she added after I stayed quiet. Now I felt a little mad at her for even suggesting that. She didn't really mean it, I knew, but the thought of Severus being fired…he'd made it clear to me how much he needed his job.

"I think Jax should be fired from your life," I said, trying as smoothly as possible to change the subject. I'm sure Hazel thought it was a little odd of me but she was more than happy to seize the opportunity to talk about herself, and she was still talking when we settled into Runes. Eventually she quieted down and I focused on the lesson. For the first time this term, I completely put myself into my work and forgot my Severus. Win for my newfound determination to be focused. It was even more of a win considering today was a review for the upcoming test.

The rest of the day I felt equally pleased at how easy it was to concentrate on my courses. I took diligent notes in neat, quick handwriting and everything actually made sense. It was terrific. Until I got to the end of my school day. It was technically just a free period, but no classes followed so I had the rest of the evening free. I completed my homework, of course, but then all I could think about was visiting Severus. He had a class so I couldn't if I wanted to, but anyway I didn't. Of course not. We'd spent time together every day for the past three days. I could manage one day. Or at least a few hours. Or, at the very least, until school officially ended.

I moved into the common room in the hopes of finding someone to distract myself with. All I found was Ella. She was alone, an event that rarely occurred. So, I flopped in a chair next to her, and grinned. "The great and powerful Ella has cast off her subjects of the day?"

"Fuck off," she replied immediately, scowling. I frowned and thought about telling her off in my own way. Then I reviewed what I'd said and realized how that could have come across as rude.

"It was just a joke," I said.

"Everything is a joke to you! You never care about how it's affecting other people as long as your pathetic sense of humor gets satisfied. Well, I don't want to deal with it, and neither does anyone else." This was not what I was expecting.

"Okay," I said, standing up, but slowly. I felt a little disoriented by the undeserved attack. "Sorry."

"Well…thanks," she said, and immediately lost the fire in her 'sapphire' eyes. Or at least that's what the box said, along with a blurb about how "eyes are the windows to the soul but sometimes these windows need decorating." How did it feel to hate yourself so much you had to become artificial, down to the coloring of your iris?

I left the common room thinking about the nonsense I had to deal with. Hazel had deserted me for Jax but now she demanded my comfort. Melanie had always ignored me and now pestered me for ulterior reasons. Severus Snape had always been the meanest adult I'd known, and now I could not get him out of my mind and it was the best feeling I'd ever experienced. Now Ella went from HBIC to lonely, injured girl. She'd probably heard some of the nasty things I'd said about her before and never forgotten them. But it was still strange.

It seemed the only reason I walked around the castle anymore was to see Severus, and this time was not any different. I was in the dungeons, heading towards his quarters, when I saw him step out of his classroom. He did not see me and turned around to lock the door behind him. I was surprised, and it was a little weird, to see him turn around and lock the door by hand. It made things a little better when he followed the motion with a few gestures of his wand. Then he turned around and saw me. I wanted to run up and jump on him and kiss him. He nodded slightly and turned down the corridors to his quarters. I followed him at a relatively long distance, pondering my dilemma. I was so attached and he was so…not.

He held the door open for me. After I stepped into his room, he repeated the procedures he'd performed on his classroom, only with a few extra wand movements. Then he turned around and placed his hands on my shoulders. He was in the funny mood he'd been in the first night he'd given in to me. That sounded weird to think, almost weird enough to giggle over, but I didn't because he would think I was responding to his touch. Although that too made me want to giggle.

"Hi Raspberry," he said, moving his hands from my shoulders to the sides of my neck, pulling me closer, cradling me against his body.

"I prefer Razz," I told him. I had nothing else to say.

"Razz is a terrible name for you," he said. There was no meanness in his voice, and even if there was I wouldn't have cared. We were so close I could feel his breath on my face when he spoke, and that rendered me numb to feeling anything but happiness. Well maybe a little something else but I knew that feeling would not be fulfilled by Severus, or not until I graduated at least. "If you're going to go through the effort of renaming yourself, it should be a proper name."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. I am personally fine with Raspberry." I was surprised to hear him say this. I must have let it show because he laughed a little and said, "I didn't say it's something I would choose for my children, but it's not terrible enough to change it."

"Your children?" I repeated, foolishly. Severus dropped his arms from around me and I really hated myself for speaking. I was still leaning into him, but I didn't want to be the one looking stupid when he severed (ha) all contact so I pulled away and flopped down onto the couch. I stretched my legs out and crossed my right on top of my left, then tilted my head against the arm rest.

"I don't have children," he said. I couldn't see him with the angle my head was at. He sounded a little irritated.

"That's not what I meant," I said, and should have stopped there. But I couldn't. "It just made me wonder if there will ever be a time when you say 'our children' and I already know that there never will be so now I'm thinking about how much longer I have with you and I'm thinking it's not much." I heard Severus walk over to me and I felt him lift up my legs, then sit down and put them in his lap. I took this as a good sign but maybe he was just tired of standing up.

"I will not live through the war." I felt tears pushing at my eyes and I felt stupid for crying so I pushed the heels off my hands into my eyes to attempt to hide my reaction. "Raspberry, we've only been involved for a few days. It's disconcerting you care so much, if I am being perfectly honest."

"I know! It's ridiculous how much of an idiot I am. I've never even really liked anyone before. I just had fun and then left and it was fine. I don't know why I am being so stupid about you." I was ignoring his declaration that he would not live. I could not handle thinking about that.

Severus took my wrists and pulled my hands off my eyes. He tried to meet my gaze but I didn't want him to see my pathetic thoughts. Then he leaned forward and then he was on top of me and kissing me. I could not believe he was doing this, when he was so set on being careful. But then again his kisses lacked passion, and I hardly felt motivated to rip his clothes off. I felt more like he was trying to distract me. But it didn't work, so I was lying there being kissed and thinking about a million sad things. It was pretty awkward.

He stopped soon enough though, and he got up and walked into his bedroom, shutting the door firmly. I didn't know if that was my invitation to leave or not. I didn't want to leave, despite the mess I'd made of the whole thing. If I'd only stayed away like I'd promised myself, none of this would have happened. Three days into our arrangement and I'd already royally fucked up.

I got up and walked out the door.

* * *

The next day was blessedly free of Severus Snape. My newfound concentration for school was still in place, but I lacked the enthusiasm I formerly held. I felt embarrassed by my actions the night before. It was this embarrassment that kept me away from him Tuesday and Wednesday night. It had almost convinced me to skip Potions, too, but I knew that would just be immature. He'd acted his usual bastard self during class and this time had not asked me to stay back. Coming back from dinner Thursday evening, I was accosted by Hazel and

"Razz! Tomfoolery is coming Saturday and we want to go on a triple date! You can bring your new boy that you've been hiding." This was Hazel, bouncing up and down in excitement.

"Triple date? With my brother? No thanks. Besides, I…don't think I'm really seeing the guy anymore." This was half a lie but it didn't matter. The less they knew the better.

"Then just come with us," Melanie pleaded. She'd really put on some weight and looked so happy and healthy. In her current state, she was almost prettier than Hazel. She still annoyed me. "Tom really wants to see you." I had a hard time imagining my 21 year old dork of a brother professing his desire to see me. We'd never been close and in our case absence certainly did not make the heart grow fonder. Then again, the less time I spent alone, the less time I'd spend forcing myself to stay away from Severus.

"Fine," I said. "So you're going with Jax, then?" I didn't bother hiding my disapproval.

"No! We broke up Monday, after I talked to you. I'm going with…Harry Potter!" Oh dear God. I still remembered last year when he'd asked her out while she was still going out with Jax. For being so famous and the hope of the Wizarding world, he was incredibly awkward. After she'd turned him down, he'd spent the rest of the year avoiding her.

"He asked you again?"

"No. I owled him and told him I broke up with Jax and I'd been thinking about him. So he said he'd come down Saturday." She seemed so pleased with herself it was a little gross. I just smiled and thought of an excuse to escape. None seemed plausible, so I had to spend the next hour listening to them gush about boys and clothes. Finally, at dinner, I got away from their girlish grasp by eating the meal alone and quickly. When I got up to leave they were barely beginning.

Thursday I could not focus on my school work. I missed Severus too much. It was absolute torture to sit through my study period, knowing I still had Care of Magical Creatures to go through. At least this class I was forced to do something and thus time would pass quickly. And it was a nice 'something' indeed. Hagrid had brought a few unicorns in from the forest and we got to spend the class petting them and drawing. My drawing skills were nonexistent but it was better to spend an hour erasing and drawing a hoof over and over than to spend it wanting to be with Severus. Well, I did that too, but not as earnestly as I had all day.

The finally we were free. I felt like sprinting into the dungeons. But I walked casually back into the castle, even engaging into a little polite conversation with a Gryffindor boy. I thought about the owls Severus had formerly sent and how he had stopped despite his insistence he needed to control when we met. Did that mean this whole time I valiantly kept myself away, I wasn't supposed to go anyway? No, that couldn't be it. Still, I decided to wait until after dinner. It was a hard decision to stick to, but it was just two hours. Just two hours. If I went now, those two hours might be spent making a fool of myself. It was much better to wait.

I spent the time writing essays and drawing up charts but all I really did was imagine different scenarios. Maybe I'd go and he'd not let me in. Maybe he wouldn't be there. Maybe he'd be so happy to see me he'd have sex with me. Ha, yeah. That was not happening. I didn't really want it to happen. As so very attracted to him as I was, a week was not enough time. It hadn't even been a full week.

When the mail came at dinner, I got a letter. It read: _I have been trying to respect your need for space but I want to see you._ I almost cried out of happiness. He actually wanted to see me, I wasn't just pestering him. My plan to not cling to him had worked. Of course, not really. The past day I'd been consumed with him, and the other days I'd thought of him fairly often. But Severus didn't know that. I did know it was bad to play games but I felt this was necessary. I just resolved to not do it anymore.

I folded up the parchment and stuck it into my pocket. I would dispose of it securely later. After ensuring several times it would not fall out due to my movements, I stood up. As I did so, I got a two second glimpse of Severus. He was deep in discussion with Professor Dumbledore. His hair looked greasy again and hung in strands around his face; he moved his mouth very little as he spoke and he looked irritated and bored. I wondered what they were talking about.

I reviewed that snapshot of him as I made my way back to the dormitory. I changed into Muggles clothes just as I had the first night, the same jeans and a brown cardigan. The outfit made me look older and that was definitely a good thing. I brushed my hair, too, a little too strongly out of nerves.

Despite all the preparations and the familiarity I now had with Severus, I felt anxious walking down to the dungeons. I blamed it on the risk of being seen – which, really, it was surprising it had yet to happen. Maybe wearing Muggle clothes had been a bad idea. If I was spotted, it would make people curious. Well, it was too late to worry about that.

I knocked on his door and my stomach twisted into a million knots. Severus opened the door and smiled and my stomach smoothed itself out in happiness. I once again had the urge to stroke his nose. Instead, I took my usual seat on the couch. He joined me and left no space between us.

"How was your week?" he asked, his eyes trained on mine. My whole body tingled with happiness.

"Not interesting enough to talk about," I said.

"I want to know." I couldn't guess why, but I told him anyway.

"Well Monday was pretty bad, for obvious reasons. Tuesday was good. I transfigured an owl into a pillow, and then back again. I've never really been good at that class so that was cool. If I'm ever tired in a cave, I'll have a comfy pillow if only an owl will fly by. Wednesday was pretty crappy cause A days are always crappy. That's when I have all my hard classes. But at least I get to see you as Professor Snape." Oops. I hadn't meant to say that last bit. When he raised his eyebrows, I elaborated with, "Well, I mean, you act so different in class than when you're here so I just kinda think it's too different people. Not literally, of course, but yeah." He just nodded. "So, how was your week?"

Before he answered, he took my hands in his. Although he kept looking at my face, I watched as his long, pale fingers laced with my short, tan ones. I felt a little embarrassed that his hands were much better looking than mine and he was both male and much older. At least mine weren't fat. After the gesture, Severus said, "Well." I waited for him to continue but he didn't. He released my hands and stood up, his jaw clenched. He pulled up his sleeve and peered at his dark mark. It was ugly and horrible and even though I had known he was a Death Eater, it was terrible to see.

"I have to go," he said. "I apologize. I was looking forward to spending time with you." I felt like it was a bad idea for him to stay even a couple extra seconds.

"It's perfectly okay," I said quickly, trying to smile but still upset by the appearance of the thing on his arm. I had the strong urge to kiss him goodbye, especially with the fact he'd told me he wouldn't live through the war. But I stayed seated as he touched the mark and then was gone. The room felt stupendously empty without him. Although I did curl up on the couch and close my eyes, I'd intended to leave relatively soon. I'd just needed a moment to collect myself. But as the minutes tucked away, I was less and less conscious and soon fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: A/N: Um I went through and edited this and made it better and then saved over the document on accident...so whatever.

* * *

I woke up in a state of disorientation. After all, it was pitch black where I was. It took a few moments of steady breathing to catch my bearings and then calm down after I had done so. By that time I could see a little through the darkness – vague gray outlines of furniture, nothing else. I thought about trying to go back to sleep, but I was too apprehensive. At least I knew I was still in Severus's quarters, because I recognized the couch. I was chiding myself for being so ridiculous – it was just the dark – when I heard two pops and the sounds of voices. The noises were muffled and after a moment of listening I guessed they were in the bedroom. _They_. Had Severus expected me to leave and, assuming I was gone, brought someone over? But why would he bring a Death Eater into Hogwarts? Well that had a fairly easy answer. Ah, shit. I tried to lay as flat as I could on the couch, but if someone were to turn the light on I'd be immediately visible. I stood up with the intent of getting under the couch.

Then the bedroom door opened, the light flicked on, and I saw Severus and a woman. A woman. They didn't see me, at first, but they did soon enough. There was silence for a moment and then she began to laugh. "I see you've lost your touch Severus. The students used to be too scared of you to pull pranks." She'd thought I'd snuck in here. That was good because Severus wasn't going to get in trouble. I didn't feel relieved because I was too busy feeling really stupid. I'd talked about _wanting to have his children_ and he already had a real women. But he'd said he'd only been in love once. Well of course he would lie if he was trying to cheat on her. This thought sent a new wave of revulsion through me. I'd never wanted to be 'the other woman.' Although I wasn't a woman, I was just a stupid slutty girl.

"What are you doing here?" he growled. I couldn't tell if he was acting or not. It didn't matter.

"Leaving," I said, forgetting for a second I was a student caught in the act of trespassing. When I remembered, I added, "Itching powder in your bed." The woman laughed again. I wanted to die.

"Come on Sev, just deduct some points and let her go." She called him Sev? I could see why he was so adamantly against my calling him that.

"Salene, I am interested in the highest punishment possible, not the lowest." I felt like saying that no punishment could be worse than this. I didn't, of course. Their names matched, for God's sake. For that matter, they had similar noses, and both had black hair and brown eyes. Wait.

"Are you two related?"

"Of course we are," she said, grinning. "Why else would Sevvypoo have a woman in his rooms?" She paused and looked at me carefully and then began to laugh once again. "Oh your poor girl. I'd be disgusted into silence, too, if I thought he was getting some. Don't worry about that, he's a 39-year-old virgin."

"Salene, you shouldn't speak so foully in front of students," he said, his teeth clenched together. I felt like an idiot for believing so quickly and wholeheartedly he was cheating on me. And he'd been so sweet the previous night, too. Then again, how did he leave for a Death Eater meeting and come back with his sister? "Especially _your_ students," he added, staring at her with an expression that was obviously supposed to convey some sort of secret meaning. Her students? Was she coming to teach here?

"You're right. Well, how about I'll shut up with the sex talk and we all just agree to not talk about tonight, alright? That means you, Miss Troublemaker. My arrival is supposed to be a secret."

I expected Severus to refuse this and insist I get in trouble, but instead he said, "Fine. I will escort her back to the proper house to ensure she gets into no more mischief." That seemed unnecessarily fancy but I didn't say anything. We walked up out of the dungeons, into the basement where the Hufflepuff common room was. A few corridors away, he stopped, so I did too. He pulled me into a hug, and it was our first _hug_, and it was nice, and I started to cry a little at how stupid I'd been.

"How was the meeting?" I asked, resting my forehead in the space between his neck and shoulder.

"Awful, but it's been much worse. I'm sorry about Salene. I should have made it more clear for you to leave. I'm particularly sorry you got the wrong idea about us. Albus has the idea that the most effective Defense Against the Dark Arts class would be one with multiple teachers. So along with the current professor, he's adding Salene, my cousin, and a few temporary others. Most notably, you will soon have a week of instructions by Harry Potter." He spat the name, but everyone knew of their animosity so it didn't bother me. It did bother me when he pulled away and began striding down the corridor. I followed him but I wished we could go back to his room and I could spend the night with him.

When we got to the Hufflepuff entrance, he stopped and faced me. We stayed a couple feet apart but I didn't want to."Harry Potter is popping up everywhere," I said. It was random but I wanted him to stay, just a little longer. "I'm going on a triple date with him."

"Excuse me?" he asked. His voice was cold, angry. "Obviously you are free to date whom you choose, but Potter? I would not think you would buy into the-"

"Oh, shut up. I'm not his date, Hazel is. My brother is dating Melanie, and they want me to bring my boyfriend, by which they mean you. I told them I'd go alone. It'll still be awkward being with my brother and a celebrity I've never talked to."

"A celebrity," he said with a snort, but nothing else. I stepped closer and he didn't back away but I didn't want to do anything to make him angry.

"Can I kiss you?" Severus stared at me for a second and then looked around several times. At his nod, I stood on my toes and kissed him, a very short careful kiss. "I wish you would forbid me to date anyone else," I said, a delayed response to his earlier words.

"Why? Saying so doesn't make you incapable and not saying so doesn't guarantee you'll meet someone else." He paused and added, an obvious afterthought, "We are not dating."

Because I love you, I thought, and immediately knew it was true. Before I'd been half asleep and foolish. Now I knew better, and I still loved him. But it was too soon to say anything for a normal relationship, never mind this crazy one. Maybe I could tell him at Christmas. That was only three months but I probably couldn't hold it back much longer than that.

"You're right," I said, instead, giving up. I prepared for him to say goodnight. I did not prepare for him to put his hands on my waist and pull my body flush against his. I did not prepare for him to kiss me, a slow sweet kiss that did not hold any of the caution I had used.

"If anyone else touches you like this, I will kill him," he said quietly, his lips next to my ear. I felt like giggling but instead I smiled a little. He stepped back, his face completely serious, and then nodded. "Don't come to my quarters until Salene leaves." He pivoted and strode off and I was happy enough with the recent interaction that I didn't desire to chase after him.

I tried to remain quiet as I slipped in the dorm and dressed for bed but as I pulled my jeans off I was accosted by a whispering Hazel. "Into the common room, now!" In my underwear, I pushed into the room, fervently wishing no one else joined us.

"Where have you been, young lady?" she demanded, but she was grinning. "Come on, you've _got_ to tell me which guy you've been seeing." Suddenly, I was extremely irritated by this whole ordeal. Who I dated shouldn't be a matter of concern to anyone. Then I remembered Severus saying I should tell her. He was intelligent; why would he tell me to do something stupid? Unless he was assuming something about Hazel that wasn't true. Oh well. He couldn't get mad at me for listening to him.

"I will tell you if you take an oath," I said. She looked surprised, understandably. There were all sorts of oaths, ranging in strength, but even the weakest were pretty binding and serious. But she nodded, so I pulled out my wand and cast the best oath I could.

"Now tell me," she said. She'd lost her girlish, innocent interest and now looked serious and concerned. This was the side of Hazel that I liked.

"It's…Professor Snape." She laughed, for a second, but stopped upon seeing my face.

"Holy shit Raspberry. That's…that's disgusting. How old is he?"

"39," I said, and could not help but get defensive. "It's not disgusting! It's not even really a physical relationship. We've only kissed five times." At this news, Hazel literally gagged.

"That is so wrong and gross. He's your teacher! And he's older than you."

"So? Harry Potter is older than you," I said. I had to hold myself back from saying he would also be her teacher. That was, after all, secret information. I was being stubborn. I knew there was a huge difference between being 2 years apart, versus 22. "Anyway Hazel, I didn't tell you to get approval, I told you because you're my friend and I don't like keeping things from you, but if you can't handle my personal life choices then I guess you shouldn't talk to me anymore." My guilt trip worked, and Hazel pulled me into a hug.

"You're right, you're right. Just tell me something…who came on to who?" This question led to an hour long conversation about my courtship and relationship with Severus. Of course I left out all the anger and Death Eaterness. There were some things she just didn't need to know.

* * *

It was ten minutes into Potions class when Hazel nudged me and giggled for the third time. She could not actually whisper anything in public about the situation because of the oath, but the nudgegiggle was annoying enough all alone. It was also ten minutes into class when Professor Snape stopped his short lecture and dismissed us to go prepare the potion. Hazel went to fetch the ingredients and came back with a mischievous grin. She glanced at Snape, whom she had purposely sat directly in front of. He was watching the classroom activities with an irritated gaze but focused on Hazel as she stared. "Yes, Miss Prue?" he asked. He sounded like he was saying 'I hope your mom kills herself and comes back and haunts you and deforms all your babies.'

"I was just thinking it's so interesting that this root is so old yet it's attached to this young, beautiful root," she said, smiling and holding up the root in question. There were indeed two roots stuck together by some mysterious brown material, but that's not what she meant. Oh God.

"Thank you for demonstrating your complete lack of knowledge. That is in fact a root with a parasite growing in the middle, making it half healthy half sick. Please dispose of it." He did not look at me at all, but I could guess he also understood her.

"Yes, we must always dispose of the unhealthy things. Like pedophiles. They should be punished to the full of extent of the law, I think." She kept up her cheery disposition and I had no idea if she thought she was funny or if she was just being a bitch.

"I have more of a problem with the criminally insane," I said, glaring at her. "They cause so much trouble for everyone else."

"What an observant statement, Miss Bowen," he said. His voice dripped with sarcasm. "Now if you two wouldn't mind getting back to your potion instead of wasting my very important time." Finally, Hazel fell silent and began working on the potion but the rest of the day I was too furious to speak with her. Combining her miserable behavior with the fact I had to stay away from Severus indefinitely, my Friday was terrible. I even skipped dinner to wallow in my misery in the dorm. But Saturday arrived and I knew I was going to see Tom and meet Harry Potter in a few hours, so I mustered up all the positive energy I could. However, I did not muster up much energy for my appearance – I stuck with loose shorts and a tank top. Being the fifth wheel, I was allowed to be as casual as I wanted.

Upon arriving in The Three Broomsticks, I found out two things. One, I had gotten the starting time off by an hour and was thus late. Two, they had set me up on a blind date. By 'they' I mean Hazel, and she had arranged the date after she'd found out about Severus. That bitch. It was the Gryffindor I'd talked to after Care of Magical Creatures on Thursday. He was nice and cute enough. His hair was long and blond and his eyes were green. But even if I wasn't dating Severus I wouldn't date him. I still ended being up shoved into a booth with him and Hazel. Melanie, Tom, and Harry Potter sat on the other side.

"You are a fucking bitch," I told Hazel.

"I told you it would be a triple date," she said, acting innocent while everyone stared at me. I could not exactly tell her off while in front of everyone, so I slunk down in my seat and folded my arms across my chest instead. Immediately Hazel and Harry split off as did Tom and Razz, leaving me with the Gryffindor – Peter.

"So I'm guessing you didn't know I was coming?" he asked, sounding apologetic enough that I didn't beat his face in. Okay, I was not a violent person and would not do him harm anyway. But I was not exactly looking favorably at Hazel right now.

"It's not that," I said, not telling him the real reason. The less people who thought I had a secret boyfriend, the better.

"Well I knew you were my date," he admitted, turning slightly red. "I've always thought you were beautiful."

"Yeah, I try not to date at school. It's too messy, and then you have to have sex in broom closets or while the teacher's not looking and it's really frustrating business," I said, joking but not expecting him to laugh. He did.

"That's half the fun! The other half, of course, is being discovered." He was smiling and I was smiling and it was really weird.

"No, no. Those are both a third of the fun. The last third is when the teacher joins in."

"Oh yeah. Then we'd definitely have to do it in Potions. Snape is such a sexy beast," he said. He chose Snape because he thought he was the ugliest. I felt a little mad but didn't show it.

"Oh come on. He can't compare to Flitwick. Now that is the definition of sex on legs." We laughed together and ended our string of jokes but it felt really nice sitting with him. If I'd met him over the summer, I'd be all over him. After my intense attachment to Severus, it felt nice to be frivolous with and about someone. But no, I should not think like that. As much as I told myself that, I stayed three hours, drinking Butterbeers and joking with Peter. Finally I figured I needed to go and Peter walked me outside.

"What do you think?" he asked once we were alone.

"About?"

"Breaking your no-school-dating rule for me."

"Peter, you're really sweet, but–" He cut me off by stepping forward and crushing his lips against mine. Instantly I lost any kind of attraction to him and as he locked his arms around me I tried to lean back or get away. "Get the fuck away," I said, or tried to, but he kept his lips firmly against mine. It crossed the line between unwanted and creepy to a little scary. I was about ready to knee him in the balls when a shadow came over us and Peter stepped back. No, he was yanked back by…shit. Severus was grasping him firmly by the neck of his robes, an extremely sinister look in his eyes. I saw Professor McGonagall a few feet away, also walking over towards us. I wanted to die of embarrassment. I could have fought him off eventually!

"Mr. Aldred, what exactly were you doing with Miss Bowen?" Severus's voice was quiet but murderous. The bell attached to the door of The Three Broomsticks chimed and Hazel, Melanie, Harry, and Tom came out. I guessed by their facial expressions they had seen Peter rape my mouth. It was a little funny Tom looked more grossed than concerned. I mean, really, it wasn't that bad. I really just wanted this to be over with.

"It doesn't matter," I said, before Peter could answer and get himself in more trouble.

"Unfortunately, it does matter. We take all physical assaults very seriously." This was Professional McGonagall. As she spoke, she looked pointedly at Severus, who released his choking hold on Peter's robes. He seemed to be remembering himself and calming down. I couldn't believe he'd broken his façade over me.

"It wasn't an assault," I said clearly, but could not meet anyone's eyes. Until I looked up and saw Peter. He was grinning at me like we were friends. I wanted to punch his face, truly this time. "Yeah, it was sexual harassment." I felt a large amount of satisfaction as his grin dropped.

"Severus, could you please escort Mr. Aldred to the headmaster's office? Miss Bowen and I will be up shortly." Severus nodded and they started off towards the exit to Hogsmeade. It wasn't as if Peter would get suspended, just deducted a few points. Maybe detention. If he had to serve detention with Severus, I hope I got to see it.

"Razz, I'm so sorry!" Hazel exclaimed and then threw herself at me in a hug. "He didn't seem like a crappy person." I shrugged her off, still irritated about her attitude.

"If you didn't ignore what I told you last night, this would never have happened." Before I could fully get into lecture mode, Professor McGonagall swept me up to Dumbledore's office where I had to give a short but embarrassing testimony of Peter's actions. He ended up getting a week of detention, served under Severus. I could not help but be amused.

* * *

Sunday, the fact that I couldn't visit Severus made me want nothing else. Of course I caught up on my homework but it was difficult being in the library with everyone staring at me. Word had gotten around fast about Peter's stunt and 99% of the school thought I was being stupid. I agreed with them but looking at his infuriating smile, I had been unable to stay quiet and let everything blow over.

I had considered skipping dinner, but it was announced we were having an impromptu feast and I decided to go. Hazel, of course, acted all happy to see me and insisted I sit by her. I cheered up a little by how nice and obviously apologetic she was being. It was hard to stay mad. Even Melanie got in on it and so by the time Professor Dumbledore stood up at the end of the meal, I was feeling quite full and happy.

"Hello, treasured students. You must be wondering what we are celebrating today. The answer to that will be explained to you by Salene Snape!" He clapped and the students joined in, but they also whispered over her last name. Hazel shot me a questioning look but I just shrugged.

When Salene entered the Great Hall stepped up to the podium, she was completely different than she'd been in Severus's quarters. Her features were arranged into careful aloofness and her attitude was even chillier than her cousin's. I glanced over at Severus and found him watching her as if viewing an interesting creature under a microscope.

"As you are all aware, the Dark Lord is rising every day in power. Here at Hogwarts, we believe the best offense is defense, and thus are interested in upping your defensive training. As a step towards this goal, the esteemed Headmaster Dumbledore has decided to have two different full times teachers. The first is, of course, your current Professor Ulworth and the second will be none other than your Potions master, Professor Snape. I will be taking over his former position. To avoid confusion, I will be referred to as Professor Salene." The speech, delivered from a different person, may have been genuine and nice enough. Coming from her lips, it sounded like she was mocking everyone and everything she spoke of. As everyone buzzed about this change, she continued to talk, raising her voice to be heard. "You will also have a few guest instructors. The first will be Hogwarts alumni Harry Potter. He is scheduled to be here all next week, and will be teaching only fifth through seventh years." Disappointed groans of younger students were heard around the Great Hall. Salene simply took the empty seat next to Severus. I didn't know how many other people noticed, but I definitely saw the small smile they exchanged.

Something was up. Salene and Severus had come back together from a Death Eater meeting and now Salene was becoming a teacher at Hogwarts. She had been bright and cheery in his quarters and was now as cold and rude as Severus portrayed himself. Well okay, the simple answer to those questions was Salene was also a spy. But how were two people managing to play off being extremely close to both the most powerful 'dark' wizard and the most powerful 'light' wizard? I was probably over thinking it.

What I was not over thinking was the fact that Severus had misled me. He'd told me Salene would be the DADA teacher. Why would he lie about something like that? It didn't exactly reveal any sort of information, except maybe that the rumors were true and he'd always lusted after the DADA position. Well, now he had it. So?

While I prepared for school on Monday I remembered Severus had told me not to visit him while his cousin was here. But Salene had announced she'd be taking over potions permanently. Did that mean-?

An hour before class was due to begin, I was pounding on the classroom door. I was unsurprised to find Severus here so early. "Is she here?" I asked, she being Salene. He gestured me inside and locked the door behind me.

"We're alone," he said. "Is something wrong?"

"You said I couldn't visit you until Salene left." There wasn't enough time for preamble.

"I did say that, didn't I?"

"So…I can't see you the rest of the year?"

"It appears to be that way," he said. He adopted that pseudo-casual tone he had, and I hated it. I hated more that I could not see him so I opted for being sad over getting mad. "I would very much like to continue our relationship during your seventh year, if I am still alive and employed here." I could not stand what was happening, but the truth was I could do nothing. He could very easily and efficiently lock me out of his life. Pleading and begging, like I strongly felt like doing, would only make me appear pathetic. I was pathetic but I didn't have to appear to be.

Instead, I walked forward, pushed myself into him, and kissed him with as much passion as I could muster. I had never thought of either of us being passionate. We were not the type of people to fall over each other in lust. But I figured if this was the last time we'd be together this way, I'd make it as memorable as possible. I eased him over to his desk and felt a tingle of nerves as he pulled me down on top of him. Apparently he didn't care about caution anymore.

But then my thoughts caught up with me. I thought about how hard it was now to stay away from him, and we'd barely done more than light kissing. I thought about how I loved him, and having sex would only make my love deepen. I thought about the indifference he'd shown when telling me we couldn't see each other anymore. I thought about his absolute fury when Peter had kissed me against my will. And I turned away from him.

"I think you should leave," he said. His voice was hoarse and quiet but also a little mean. I turned back to face him and focused on the bridge of his nose rather than his eyes.

"I think I deserve an explanation. I've wasted two weeks pining away for you and you said you felt at least a little of the same. Half the time I think you care about me and half the time I think you'd be happy if I died. But I am so completely…I can't stop wanting you. You told me you were done fighting against me but you sure as fuck don't act that way." There. That was my little speech. I mostly expected him to dismiss me without a second thought. I did not expect him to get mad, because getting mad means you care in some form.

"Do you not realize I act so divided because I am? You are still just a child and every day I feel so disgusted that I enjoy you so much. I think that feeling will always be with me and I can't give you what you deserve while it is," he said. His tone made me feel like a stupid little worm. I felt a confession of love pushing at my lips but I swallowed it down. Now was not the time.

"Then why did you ever say yes?" I asked. I could tell what he'd just said was not a new revelation to him.

"I thought if I am already going to hell, I might as well enjoy the ride." For the callousness of the words, his voice had become soft. I wanted to crawl into his arms. I couldn't be the first to break down. I smoothed my hair down with my hands.

"But now you are trying to save your soul?" Severus walked forward and took my face in his hands, forcing me to meet his eyes.

"I am trying to save yours." I felt tears stinging my eyes. I hated being weak. "Raspberry, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't get pulled down by the darkness I have chosen to live in."

"The problem with that," I said, "is that my life is already devoted to yours." He stroked my face with the long, thin fingers I had once admired.

"Devote it to something else." He dropped his hands and turned his back to me. "Please leave my classroom, Miss Bowen."

"I have this class next," I said. He never answered me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Part Two: Liberation**

The last week before Winter Break, Salene still taught Potions and Severus still taught DADA. Harry Potter had become a regular fixture, appearing every couple of weeks to give demonstrations. He'd even taught a class of first years, spouting the usual bullshit about children being our future. He was just a child himself. He and Hazel had not worked out as a couple, but she had taken his virginity and bragged about it to anyone who would listen. Melanie and Tom were still going strong. I missed Severus more and more every day. The only thing that stopped me from throwing myself at him daily was my return to scheduling. There was no time in the day to make a fool of myself.

To make matters worse, Salene was so similar to him it was like seeing him every day. I had taken to eating only what Hazel brought up from the Hall, because I could not stand to be with both of them at once. However, she was getting a little tired of bringing me food and had told me she couldn't do it anymore. I'd stuck it out since Thursday but now, Sunday, I was too damn hungry to wait. I only hoped that since it was the weekend, Severus and Salene would not be there. Of course that hope was not consistent with reality – where else would they eat? – and they were both there. I could not help but stare and be resentfully jealous of Salene. She got to know sides of Severus I never would. Well, he'd said my seventh year…but no. If he didn't want me now, I didn't want him then.

I sat down in the seat closest to the door and intended to eat quickly. But I didn't have enough energy to shovel food into my face. I ended up picking at bits and pieces, tearing them off the main portion and slowly grinding them to dust with my teeth. It was unsatisfying but got me full enough that I could leave. I didn't. I sat there with my elbows on the table, my head in my hands, and stared at the two Snapes.

Severus looked clean but extremely unhappy. His usual bitter expression had been replaced by genuine anger and worry. His lips moved quickly but very little as he spoke to Salene. She looked a little less troubled, but not much. I thought of the torrent of questions I'd had when Salene first arrived. There still was something going on deeper than two spies. I wished I'd paid more attention to the war so that I could have at least a chance of guessing what was happening. As it was, I'd never really been concerned with the whole You-Know-Who mess. I wasn't a Pureblood but I had a distinct line of Wizarding family, so I wasn't going to be affected. Now I could see how selfish that was, knowing how others were affected.

"Razz?" I turned around and saw Melanie, smiling timidly. "Can I sit with you?" I shrugged and she took that as a yes and plopped down across from me. I didn't want to talk with her. I wanted to stare moodily at Severus. No, no I didn't. That was unhealthy. "I know we haven't talked much this year but I wanted to let you know…I know how it is to have problems. If you ever want to talk with me, I'm here. Or maybe you should get professional help…we have a therapist you know." I did know because I'd discussed Melanie with her several times. But I tried to imagine her reaction to me confessing the two weeks I'd spent with Severus. No, that would not go over well. I wondered if Salene knew.

Then suddenly, sitting there as Melanie tried to counsel me, I thought of a way to reach Severus. _Salene_. Of course. She was the only person he cared remotely about. If I could just get her on my side, he'd have to be with me. The whole idea of 'I'm leaving because you deserve better' is such bullshit. There had to be something wrong that made him not like me. Well yes, he'd told me that too. He didn't want me to be sucked into his spying. Well, I was strong enough to handle that. I would show him, with the help of his cousin.

Without bothering to say goodbye, I stood up and walked out of the Hall, to the grounds. It was dark and I could see only a shadowy outline of Hagrid's hut and the faint moonlight reflections off the surface of the lake. I began to walk around the grounds to think. There was already dew on the grass and within minutes my shoes were soaked through. I didn't mind. I just had to think of the best way to get Salene as my friend. That was a weird thought. The thing I found so motivating was that I knew, underneath everything, she was a normal, friendly person. Severus was dark and malicious through and through, with just a little bit of niceness buried deep. Not her. But how to do it? Well, there were really the same options I had when I'd been trying to seduce Severus, only without the kissing. I could get in trouble and make sure she was the one punishing me. I could try offering to help her out with grading or something.

I could tell her I loved Severus. I wasn't positive that he had told her about me; in fact, he probably hadn't. But I could trust that she wouldn't rat him out. That is, if she really was a spy for Professor Dumbledore. But she had to be, right? Both men were more than capable of seeing through someone's lies.

That night, I had a hard time sleeping. I was too excited about my plan.

* * *

The following Monday was a day that began with Severus. I was, as always, one of the last to enter the classroom. That day someone had taken my table at the back of the room. The only open seat was in the center front row. For a few seconds, I contemplated bullying them into moving. But it was a big, muscular male Slytherin and I thought I could no more bully him than throw him. So, trying to scrunch into myself and disappear, I walked to the front and took a seat. Professor Snape glanced up from the papers he was grading, and for a second he made eye contact with me. He'd avoided me just as avidly as I'd avoided him, so to meet his eyes after three months sent a jolt through my stomach. He looked back down as I tried to calm myself. This was ridiculous. I should be better controlled than to fall apart at one simple little look from him. The sad truth was that my control was severely lacking.

"Alright children, it is time for you to attempt the feat of thinking." With that, Severus stood up and gazed around the classroom. I poised my quill to take notes as he began to lecture about a new spell. However, he had barely begun speaking when he fell silent. I looked up and saw his teeth were visibly clenched and he had lost all pigmentation in his face. Without another word, he turned on his heel and strode into the closet. The class broke into whispers of concern or giggles, depending on the house. I stared at the slightly ajar door. Doing so allowed me to see the tip of a wand come out the entrance and then jerk. At the exact same moment, my textbook flew off my desk and hit the wall. I was still looking at it when Snape came out and glared around the room. "Who threw that?" he demanded. I did not understand. He had clearly thrown it himself, with magic. But no one else had seen what I had, so they all pointed at me. Assholes. "Into the hall, now," he snapped and I reluctantly followed.

When we were alone, I thought about the night he'd finally claimed me. The last night we'd been together. Then I quickly banished all those thoughts from my mind and met his eyes. They were narrowed and angry and I was about to ask him what was up when he took my hand and placed it on his forearm. The fabric was exceedingly warm, and for a second I didn't understand. Then I realized it was the same place where his Dark Mark was. I flinched at the understanding of what I was feeling and jerked my hand back. I still hated that ugly thing. "I have to go," he said, and for just a split second he was Severus, not Professor Snape. "I know I'm in no position to ask favors of you, but will you please find Salene and ask her to watch this class? This is her free period but she will probably be in her classroom." I thought about the last time I had known his Mark was burning, and my desire to kiss him goodbye. The desire was still there and I hated myself for it. I wanted to say no, spitefully, but now was not the time to play games.

"Okay," I said. Without further ado he reached under his sleeve and was then gone. I cried a little while I walked down to the dungeons. After everything, he still trusted me. Sure, it was in a situation where I was his only option. But no – he could have flooed or sent a Slytherin without an explanation. I tried to feel hopeful from this but at the same time I didn't want to. He'd made it perfectly clear he didn't want me. And this was how my mind had worked for three whole fucking months – wanting him and not wanting him and knowing he didn't want me but pretending he did. It was so pointless and lazy and I needed to do something about it or get the hell over it.

When I told Salene why I was in her classroom, without mentioning the dark mark, she agreed to watch over the class. She was in no rush as we walked back towards the DADA classroom, and about halfway there she said, "Why did he send you, the troublemaker?" I looked at her and tried to tell if she knew about us or not. She decidedly didn't.

"Maybe he knows I can keep secrets," I said, and she stopped walking to stare at me.

"What does that mean?" Her tone was extremely suspicious and I avoided her eyes, in case she knew Legilimency too.

"Now's not the time," I said, and she rolled her eyes. Although she was being short tempered, she didn't appear to be acting, and she wasn't cold. This was as good a time as any, actually. I was just extremely concerned about getting Severus in trouble, still. Do something or get over it, I reminded myself, and decided to do something. "Alright well, actually, I will tell you the reason was in his quarters that night was not because I was playing a prank." She just kept staring for a second, and then she began to laugh, the same laugh she'd had the night I met her.

"Oh dear Merlin, _you're_ what's got him so upset? This is so typical Severus, falling in love with a baby, and his student too. He just loves to be tortured, you know." I didn't bother telling her I wasn't a baby. He was more than double my age, after all. I thought about her saying he was upset. I didn't believe it. After all, she thought he loved me; her information couldn't be too good.

"He doesn't love me," I told her, feeling a little stupid. "He hasn't talked to me since you got here."

"So you were in your fifth year when he hit on you? He's such a dirty old man," she said, but was clearly amused.

"No, it was just the two weeks. And I hit on him!" I became a little too defensive at the end, and she laughed and began walking again. I followed a little sullenly. Everything she said, although peppered with laughter, made me feel like an idiot. I didn't like her as much as I thought I would.

"Oh, he loves you alright. But denying you just makes him all the more turbulent, so he'll do it. Probably forever. I hope you weren't planning on ever having a real relationship." I thought about the night I'd told him I wanted to have his babies and went bright red. Luckily Salene was a few paces ahead of me and did not see.

"You're very hard on him," I said, and I saw her thin shoulders go up and down in a shrug.

"He has made his life much more difficult than it has to be. If he'd just rejected the Dark Lord in his youth, he could have married that girl he loved so much. But then again, if he did that the world would never have their 'Chosen One'." She was not speaking as if revealing a huge secret, but she was. I had not made the connection between Lily Evans and Lily Potter, Harry Potter's mother. But now that Salene said it, I felt incredibly stupid for not recognizing her in the picture. Why hadn't he told me? Severus had lied so much about such inconsequential things.

Wait. He had said it was his fault Lily and her husband had died. But You-Know-Who had killed them, right? I puzzled over this until the moment we stepped into the DADA classroom, and saw Severus at the front, lecturing. He stopped when we stepped in and I felt extraordinarily awkward. There was no way we took long enough for him to come back. But looking at the mounted clock, I saw we had taken half an hour. Half an hour? How had that time slipped away? Still, that must have been one short Death Eater meeting.

"What took you so long?" Professor Snape asked Salene, ignoring my presence entirely. I took that opportunity to slip into my seat as quietly as possible.

"Raspberry here told me a very interesting story about the start of her term, is all," she said, staying as impassive as she always did in public. But I could tell she would be grinning if it was just the cousins. Snape lost his cool, on the other hand, and ordered her to leave. He cast a filthy glare at me when he returned to the front of the classroom and then continued his demonstration. My plan had backfired horrendously. Not only was Salene not sympathetic to my aim, but Severus was angry with me. So getting her on my side had failed. That again brought me to the choice: do something or get over it.

I raised my hand and Professor Snape stopped and glowered at me. "What idiotic question do you possibly have about this very simple spell?" For a second, I felt hurt. Then I told myself he didn't mean it, and I was going to do my own hurtful acting in a second.

"I could not possibly think of a question as stupid as your lecture," I said, and then picked up the textbook he had charmed and threw it at his head. He moved, of course. My throw was terrible and his reflexes were good. That did not stop him from being incredibly pissed off.

"Everyone but Miss Bowen, get out." His roar was obeyed instantly. Hazel hesitated a second to cast me a look of confusion, but she also hurried and left. That left me and Professor Snape, alone. I felt triumphant. Then I realized it was not Snape, it was Severus, and he was genuinely frustrated with me. "What exactly are you trying to accomplish?"

"I think I'm trying to aggravate you into paying attention to me. See, it worked." And we were back to the beginning of the year, with my pathetic jokes and his angry silence. I wanted to cry. I wanted to ask him why he had fucked everything up.

"I don't understand why you can't wait until your seventh year. You will be legal then, at least, and Salene will be gone."

"You told me you don't think you're going to live through the war," I said, and the tears were building up but were not yet close to spilling. "It's only nine months, sure, but what if you die before then? I'm already going to spend the rest of my life wanting to be with you, I don't want to spend it having regrets too." For the first time I considered the fact that, no matter the outcome of his role as spy, he would die a considerable amount of time before I did. I didn't want to think about that.

There was a long silence, an infinity of silence. I thought Severus would going to ridicule me for being the ridiculous girl I was and then send me out. His expression was angry enough for that.

"I can't promise you anything after," Severus said, "but you may stay at my home during Christmas. Salene will be there, but I think that is just for the better. I don't want to get too comfortable, and if we were alone–" He stopped but I got what he was saying.

"I can't spend two weeks with you and then just give you up. Not again." It was so hard to say but I thought about the hell the past three months had been and I knew I could not go through it once more. I sat in breathless suspense as Severus turned his head so I could only see his profile and closed his eyes.

"The best I can do is to say I won't ignore you again." That didn't mean very much. It could mean a few 5 minute conversations after his class. If being friends with him was the least I would get, I would take it.

"Okay," I said. It was the normal ending time for the class and so I moved to retrieve my textbook. He picked it up for me and held it out. I took it and our fingers touched and it was not an accident. I had no desire to kiss him because now was not the right time and this empty classroom was not the right place. "Sorry about the book." My voice came out funny and I cleared my throat and he smiled a little.

"We'll discuss your punishment later." It sounded more fun than threatening.


	7. Chapter 7

We ended up not going to dinner, and Salene did not disturb us. When I woke up I realized I still had yet to kiss Severus, and I had no desire to. Then I realized I was hungry and had to pee. And finally it hit me that it was Christmas Eve and that I had not gotten a present for Severus. In all my excitement to be back with him, I had forgotten the reason was a present-giving holiday. Shit.

With as little movement as possible, I slid out from under Severus's arm and the covers. He looked so unguarded sleeping. I wanted to touch his face. Instead, I cleaned my dirty clothes with a few wand flicks, put them into my bag, and pulled out a fresh outfit. I ended up with black tights, a black skirt, and a light blue sweater. It was a little reminiscent of my school uniform but that was okay. I slipped my shoes on and then crept out, careful not to let the heavy doors slam. Once into the hallway, I relaxed a little and focused on the task of finding the kitchen or bathroom. The bathroom I found easier, just a few doors down.

It took quite a while of wandering up and down stairs and peeking into rooms to find the kitchen. It actually didn't have a door but was on the third floor, which I found a little odd. Salene was sitting in it, drinking something red and steamy out of a mug. When she saw me, she grinned. "Hey jailbait," she said, apparently her permanent name for me. "Did he have a small penis?" I felt my face turn hot and assumed I was blushing.

"No, it was so large it was uncomfortable," I said. I may be embarrassed but I could play along. She grinned and shook her head, taking another sip of her drink. She was sitting on a stool, wearing a silk robe, and had her legs crossed at the knee. The image was so typical and Muggle I wanted to laugh and ask if she was as blood-crazy as most Death Eaters were. But, she wasn't a Death Eater, was she? She hadn't been called away by a Dark Mark. I tried to look at her forearms but they were hidden, her arms pressed against her chest. "I need your help."

"Hey, if you can't please him, I'm not helping. He's my cousin, for Merlin's sake."

"No, no. I forgot to get him a Christmas present," I said.

"You don't think last night was enough?" At the dirty look I gave her, Salene set down her drink and grinned. She was such a strange person. "Alright, alright. Did you bring money or do I need to lend you some?" she asked, running a hand over her already smooth hair.

"I brought some."

"Let me get dressed and we can Floo in to the Leaky Cauldron." She got up, her arms still hidden, and left. I walked over to her drink and took a sniff. Odorless. I lifted up the cup and took a tiny sip. It tasted awful. I walked over to the sink and spat in it, then began opening cupboards to find cups. I was only on my third attempt when Severus walked in. He watched me for a second, then pulled out his wand and Accio'd a cup to himself. He handed it to me with a smirk.

"Ha, ha, show off," I muttered. It sucked to be so close to being able to perform magic outside of school but not _quite_ there. I filled the cup with water and downed it three times before the taste began to fade. As an added bonus, the water took the edge off my hunger. But I still wanted food. "I'm hungry."

"I hope you know how to prepare your own food by now," he said, sitting down on the stool Salene had previously occupied. He had fully dressed in his robes. He hadn't been lying when he said he never wore Muggle clothes.

"That's not very romantic," I said, sticking out my lower lip. He shrugged. "How about you feed my stomach and I'll feed your libido." I winked and he actually smiled and I felt very happy that my corny jokes had finally made him amused, even if in a condescending way, but then Salene burst in and ruined it.

"Please keep your x-rated comments out of my earshot," she said. She had changed into robes, also, a dark blue set. She walked over to Severus and tried to shove him off his seat. He stared at her with raised eyebrows and she just pushed harder. I giggled, unable to stop myself. I felt so blessed to be a part of their world.

"We can't do that if you're sneaking up on us," he said curtly, firmly in place on the stool. "What are you dressed so special for?"

"I'm taking your illegal girlfriend out for a day on the town." She smiled at me in the obnoxious way she had and Severus turned to me with his eyebrows once again up. "We already discussed your penis size so I guess we'll have to talk about gray your pubes are. Or maybe how saggy your balls are." I felt my blush returning, hotter than ever, and opened the refrigerator in an attempt to ignore the conversation. Obviously it didn't work. She was so vulgar and immature it was unbelievable. It would have been less mortifying if my relationship with Severus was actually sexual, but the fact that we were so relatively innocent made it gross.

As they bickered, I made French toast, and they calmed down enough to eat. After, I fetched my money purse and Salene whisked me off to Diagon Alley. We wandered the shops for a while but every idea I had was quickly shot down by Salene or my own reasoning. An owl? No, because it was too risky for him to use the same animal every time. Jewelry? No, because we weren't in a permanent state. Potions ingredients? No, too impersonal, and he could get them all himself. Books? Once again, too impersonal, and I had no idea what he liked to read. Robes? They were too expensive and I had no idea about his size.

Around noon we took a break and Salene bought me lunch. It suddenly occurred to me that if other students saw us together, rumors would spread. Oh well. It was too late now. It did, however, increase my desire to finish shopping. As we threw away our trash, Salene announced Severus was impossible to shop for.

"No," I said, struck with inspiration. "I don't want you to know what it is, though."

"Oh, come on! I chaperone you for hours and then you decide to withhold from me?" she asked, sounding genuinely annoyed.

"Sorry," I said. "Can we meet back at the Leaky Cauldron in two hours?" Grudgingly, she agreed, and trudged off into the crowds. As soon as I was sure she was gone, I fought my way through the crowds to a nameless, small "collectibles and knick knacks" shop next to Quality Quidditch Supplies. Inside, there were rows and rows of random, useless items. And there was a small section devoted to what I was looking for. I talked to the man and he assured me he could do what I wanted in less than two hours. I left and bought chocolates and perfume for Salene. They were cliché gifts but they were better than nothing, and she didn't deserve nothing. After I had a little time to browse and walk around and then I had to go pick up Severus's present and meet Salene. She had lost her irritated edge and was grinning at me widely. She had her own bags and I wondered what she'd bought Severus. I didn't ask because if I didn't tell her of my purchases, she certainly wouldn't tell me of hers.

"Finally! Let's go," she said, and flooed out first.

Dinnertime found all three of us in the library. Severus and I were stretched out together on a couch, he reading a textbook on defensive magic and I simply enjoying his presence. Salene sat in a leather armchair, her feet tucked under her as she read. She occasionally glanced up at us and smirked but I tried to ignore it.

It was silent when a house elf shuffled in. She was extremely old and fearful looking and announced the completion of dinner in a resigned voice. Salene hopped up and sprinted out of the room, leaving her book on the floor. I stood up and stretched while Severus put away both his book and Salene's. He surprised me by pulling me into a brief, tight hug. Then we both went into the dining room, where Salene was already sitting and childishly pounding the table in anticipation. There were six chairs at the table but I sat next to Severus and pulled my chair close enough to his that they touched. He didn't seem to mind.

Three house elves appeared and reappeared several times, carrying trays burdened with food. It was too much food for all of us; it was too much food for twenty people. I wondered if they'd been instructed to prepare so much or if they made the assumption on their own. I doubted it was the latter, but I didn't want to hold too much hope that I was considered a guest worth making a big deal over. We ate in quiet for only a few moments before Salene reared her big obnoxious head.

"So Sevvy, what do you think we were doing today?" she asked, grinning at me.

"I couldn't begin to guess," he said, looking extremely uninterested.

"The baby you robbed from her cradle bought you a Christmas present." He stopped in the middle of a bite and stared at Salene, and then at me.

"Why did you do that?"

"It's Christmas," I said, uncomfortable. "Did I do something wrong?"

"I've never received a Christmas present," he said, and then amended, "Since I was a little child, anyway."

"How appropriate – the first gift since you were a child is from a child." I ignored her jibe, but it was getting harder. Severus hated himself enough without her help, but I could not see him sticking up for himself. I wished he would; it was really me that he was sticking up for.

"Well I hope it is good enough to make up for all those years," I said.

"The problem is I didn't get you one." I shrugged, although I was a little disappointed. I couldn't believe he was so unadjusted to people liking him that he couldn't grasp the basic concept of Christmas. I wasn't going to point this out to him. I could possibly use this as a bargaining chip to get a certain other present…wait, no. I wasn't going down that path, not even mentally.

"I'm just happy to be here with you." That was true. I still wished I had a present. More accurately, I wished I hadn't wasted my time and money picking out a present for him. He'd probably hate it anyway. Bah.

We ate the rest of the meal in quiet, but I got over my hurt feelings, and focused on the pressure his leg was applying to mine. The food was better than it looked and I ate more than I thought I would. Salene was still eating when Severus excused us and we went back to the bedroom. It was still exciting, but a little more comfortable, to watch him undress but he still seemed bothered by watching me. I assumed that was a byproduct of how dirty he felt from being attracted to me. He really, sincerely needed to get over that. I wondered if I could do anything to help him with that.

Instead of lying down in his bed, we sat, our bodies pressed together. The shock from having his presence back in my life was wearing off, but the pleasure I got from his company was not. "I really do apologize for my carelessness," he said. I didn't know what to say. It mattered but I didn't want him to know, nor did I want to lie to appease his conscience. So instead I stayed silent.

I was not aware of even growing sleepy but when I woke up I was very aware that it was cold and that it was Christmas. I was also aware that I was alone but that didn't concern me too much. He would most likely be in the kitchen but if not, then the bathroom or library or somewhere not too far away. I dressed in jeans and a zip up jacket and took the pre-wrapped presents out of the closet. The kitchen was my first destination, and the Snapes were in it. They were both drinking the strange red liquid. I didn't ask what it was.

"No presents before breakfast," Salene said. I saw her eyes move over the gifts and could see by her grin that she had guessed some were intended for her. She swept the packages out of my arms and bounced out of the room, only to return a few moments later. She went over to the oven and began flipping around dials and opening and shutting the door, without any actual food involved. It occurred to me to wonder why they had both house elves and a personal kitchen. It didn't really matter.

"Happy Christmas," I said to Severus, pulling a stool up next to him and sitting down. He put a hand on my knee and I was pleasantly surprised. "What time is it?"

"Noon. You slept very late," he said. Breakfast at noon? But he sounded a little disapproving. I put it off to him being anxious about his present. That was an optimistic hope but the only one I permitted myself. It would ruin my happy bubbly feeling if I thought he was mad at me.

We ate turkey sausage and eggs as Salene and Severus kept up a steady stream of banter, mostly trying to annoy the fuck out of each other. I didn't eat much because I was happier just sitting there, listening to them, once again feeling extremely lucky to be here. My winter break without Severus, and consequently without Salene, would have been extremely boring. Never mind the fact that I would spend it pining over him.

We left the plates on the counter and I followed them into a living room. I was surprised to see a large tree, healthy and heavily decorated. I could not picture Severus draping tinsel around the leaves, but I could easily imagine Salene doing so. So he probably hadn't decorated at all. But I appreciated the effort nonetheless. Not that it was _for_ me. God, I was getting conceited. I was more than a little excited, however, to see my presents neatly set under the tree. And they weren't the only ones. I saw Severus looking at me as I took in the size of the pile under the tree and I smiled at him and he smiled a little back. He must have gone out in the morning. I hoped I hadn't let him know how disappointed I was through my actions. I could not deny, though, that having presents was nice.

We divided the packages up and decided to go around and open them one at a time. Salene had the most, with my gifts wrapped separately and the thing she'd given herself. I had no idea what either of my gifts could contain, because I didn't know them well enough. That was a bit sad. I was in love with Severus but I didn't know him. That needed to change.

Severus went first and he opened Salene's gift, a watch. Then Salene opened my gifts, claiming it was only one turn because they were both from me. I decided to open Salene's first and save the suspense. She had given me a book on serial rapists, with an inscription that read These people are just one step above your boyfriend. I would have preferred nothing at all but I thanked her anyway, and made sure to remind her he wasn't my boyfriend. Then Severus opened my gift. I watched his face as he lifted the lid to the small box and pulled out my gift. It was a glass sphere, with a heart suspended inside. The texture of the heart was that of a raspberry. He held it between two fingers, inspecting it, and I felt like an idiot. I should have gotten him some books. But he thanked me anyway as he set the orb back down and replaced the lid. I tried to swallow my disappointment and maintain an outwardly happy appearance as Salene opened Severus's gift. He had gotten her chocolate flowers. It was sweet but impersonal and I didn't have much hope for my gift.

I felt them both watching me as I carefully pulled off the ribbon, and then the wrapping paper, and then removed the lid. The box was a square foot, but inside was a smaller box – the velvety boxes that jewelry comes in. I did not look up and scarcely breathed as I flipped up the hinged top. Inside was a white-gold ring with alternating topaz and emerald jewels all around the band. It did not escape my notice that these were Slytherin and Hufflepuff colors. I looked at the ring and did not know what to say. I was struck silent by the insight and beauty his gift held, and I felt stupid about mine. How much money had this ring cost? Why had he given me a ring, of all jewelry pieces? That definitely had to mean something. But I didn't want to make a scene so I snapped the case shut without lifting it out of the box.

"Thank you," I said, wishing we were alone. As if she'd heard my thoughts, Salene jumped to her feet and made some excuse to hurry out. "I really like it. It's beautiful." He reached into the bigger box and pulled the case out and then opened it. When he lifted the ring up, I saw it was attached to a thin chain.

"I thought wearing it discreetly would be best," he said. He undid the clasp and reached around my neck. His arms rested against my cheeks as he closed it. I felt so stupid about my gift. It was so indefinitely lame compared to his. When he moved back, I looked down. The ring sat exactly on the slope of my chest and glittered a little.

"I'm sorry my present sucked so much," I said, feeling miserable at my failure.

"I will treasure it," he said, and I believed him. For a second I was happy. He leaned back and spoke, killing all of my joy. "Do you remember when I said I was certain I would not outlive the end of the war?" I nodded, my heart jumping into my drying throat. "Well, I am not so certain now. However, I know for a fact that before the end of this term, I will commit acts that will banish me from leading a public life. I can't clarify any further because I have taken an Unbreakable Vow. I simply wanted you to have something to remember me by and so you will remember I didn't want to leave you." I was crying, embarrassingly loud, and he didn't move to comfort me. I wished he had never told me but I was glad it would not come as a shock to me when he did whatever he did. "I need to ask you to try not to convince anyone of my innocence. I have been doing things around Salene that, when she is questioned about them, will confirm her innocence and my guilt. They _will_ question her, too, under Veritaserum. I am guessing that they will find out about you during that time."

"Won't they use Veritaserum on me and I'll just tell them everything you said?" He reached out, finally, and put his hand on my shoulder. I felt like his student.

"When we return to Hogwarts, you will go to Professor McGonagall and tell her you are interested in joining the Order. It's the organization most strongly fighting against the Dark Lord. She will take you up to Albus's office and they will discuss things with you, although I don't want to tell you too much. If you are too prepared, they find it suspicious. Hopefully, by the time I act, you will be a well accepted and trusted member. You can tell them I took advantage of you and it was this winter break that made you realize that you wanted to fight against people like me. Hopefully, they will buy your story and choose not to question you. If not, they legally must give you a day's warning because you are still a minor. If that happens, you should go home and stay with your parents." Severus paused and moved his hand from my shoulder from my face. I leaned into his touch like a pathetic fucking animal, but I needed to. "Of course, that is assuming you want to go through all that trouble for me. I understand completely if you would rather not. Maybe they will believe you are too biased and I was feeding you lies."

"I don't understand why it would be bad if they knew you were innocent," I said.

"If the Order believes it, word will spread, and the Dark Lord will hear. If they have strong enough proof to believe I am on their side after all that, he will be suspicious. He will most likely kill me – I fear he grows wary of my presence. That is my concern, however, not yours. You must do what is best for you," he said.

"Helping you is best for me." He dropped his hand and leaned back against the arm rest, watching me carefully. He said nothing else. I didn't understand why he wouldn't touch me. I needed him to comfort me so badly, because I was thinking about his death and my life without him. But that was why he had given me the ring, wasn't it? To say that even when he was gone, he wasn't. It was his version of saying he loved me, I supposed. Only he probably didn't love me. He was probably simply glad to have my presence in his life. It must be a pleasant change to have someone, anyone, instead of being alone all the time. And he had Salene with him too, obnoxious but still loyal to him. In a way, he was better off than me.

"I love you," I said, and it was out there and wasn't going anywhere. I didn't regret saying it at all, not even as he closed his eyes and shook his head. "I do. I've been waiting to tell you because I knew if I said it when I first felt it, you wouldn't take me seriously. But now I know you've killed people and you've betrayed the only person you really loved and I know you will never be happy with me because I'm too young. But I know, above all, that our time is so fucking limited I don't have time to have doubts. The _most_ I have left with you is six months and I don't want to spend it talking about our age differences and how stupid I am."

"I've never said you were stupid," Severus said. "Although I do wish you wouldn't swear, and I certainly question your self-esteem if that is how you view our relationship. You talk as if you are some burden I am carrying. I apologize sincerely if I've made you feel that way. You…are a blessing. It's extremely true I wish you were my age, but there's nothing to do about that now. Nothing worth doing, anyway."

"Do you love me?" I asked, before I could help myself. Unlike the presents, this really didn't matter. He cared enough about me to invite me to his house, and I'd been here three days and he hadn't kissed me. Well, that could be a bad sign. It mattered for my self-esteem but it did not matter as to how I felt about him.

"Yes," he said but didn't sound sure.

"Are you saying that because it's the easiest answer?"

"It's the hardest answer. I am admitting a weakness. If any of my adversaries found out about you, they would not hesitate to kill you. I believe a few Death Eaters would kill you just for sport." I didn't know what to say, so I leaned forward on my knees and kissed him, finally, and he kissed me back a little aggressively. He put his hands on my hips and pulled me down until there was no space between our bodies. As we kissed, I felt his erection for the first time. It scared me a little and I pulled away and then I got embarrassed when I realized what had happened. He laughed and took my hand and led me into his bedroom and shut the door. I did not really have time to think about what was happening before we were on the bed, kissing, in only our underwear. I didn't want to go further because it was all wrong. It was in the middle of the day and I wasn't 17 yet. He had only just said he loved me. His penis scared me.

"Stop," I said, and he did, immediately. "I'm a virgin too," I said. "I want to but I want to wait until it's legal so you don't feel bad and I just need to go slower." For the first time I considered that maybe I wasn't ready. Severus was a virgin too but he was eager and confident, or so it seemed. I felt scared and nervous. I still wanted to have sex with him. I also didn't want him to be a virgin on his 40th birthday. His age had to have something to do with his reaction.

"I didn't know that," he said, on his back, looking up at the ceiling. "I wish you would have told me."

"It doesn't change things," I said.

"It absolutely does."

"No, it doesn't!" I felt a little frightened now that his so-called conscience would come back and he would refuse to get anywhere near me. "Just wait three days please. I really want you." I knew he had never heard those words before, or at least not in that context. Maybe someone had told him 'I want you…to kill that Muggle' or 'I want you…to keep risking your life for my stupid cause.'

"I will wait as long as you need," he said, and I knew he meant it.


	8. Chapter 8

That night and the following two were mostly spent getting physically acquainted with each other. It helped my nerves a lot; an hour before it was officially my birthday, I was staring at the clock, waiting. "You don't think it'll kill the mood, just doing it at midnight, do you?" I asked Severus, grinning. He looked up from his book without changing his expression. He had brought a chair into his room and was sitting in it, reading. His Dark Mark had been burning recently but he had not been summoned so he thought You-Know-Who was angry about something. I only hoped it didn't have anything to do with Severus.

"I think you'll regret it," he said.

"I won't. And we're doing it tonight, if I have to rape you."

"How are you going to rape me?" he asked, and I knew he meant it rhetorically, but it sounded like he was asking for detail.

"Well first–"

"Stop right there, lawbreakers." In came Salene, in a silk nightgown. She dressed a little sexy for someone living with her cousin. "I don't want to hear about your illegal rape fantasies." I felt like telling her it wouldn't be illegal in 55 minutes, but I didn't. Then she would just make jokes about how we were sitting around waiting for it, which we were, but it was awkward enough without her reminding us.

"Get out," Severus commanded, standing up. She laughed but left, slamming the door behind her. He withdrew his wand and cast his usual locking charms and then turned to me. "I don't think an hour difference really matters."

"You're right. Let's wait until one." I grinned and he came over and sat next to me on the bed. His fingers toyed with the ring, which had yet to leave my neck.

"I have not been nude in front of someone since I was a child," he said, and I could see a very small flush spread across his cheeks. I guessed it was embarrassment rather than horniness over his naked child escapades.

"Well let's see, just last week I did a sex show with Janice, and that was about 50 people watching. That doesn't count all the random bums I had quickies with." He just looked at me and I smiled. "I have seen enough of you to know you look fine." I didn't know if it was weird to tell people they looked good naked, especially since I was a girl. I could guess he wouldn't be talking about how beautiful I was. Well I couldn't begin to imagine what it would be like. There came the nerves again.

I decided to start to make him feel less like it was 'his fault.' I leaned forward and kissed him and it really wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. He did look fine naked, although my attention wasn't really focused on looking. He talked a lot more than I thought he would, mostly to make sure I was okay. In the end it was short and sweet and I was happy I'd waited until my 17th birthday, or at least close enough that it felt right.

At about one in the morning he told me had to use the restroom and got up and left. As soon as his warm presence was no longer beside me, I felt a terrible sadness. At first I couldn't figure out why and I felt stupid. But as I laid there and swallowed back my tears, I figured it out. I wanted to feel secure knowing that Severus would always come back, that we could do this again and again. But for all I knew, he could never come back. He did, and he took my face in his hands and kissed me and then closed his eyes. I pressed my hand on his bare chest and could barely feel his heartbeat. I could only think about how many beats his heart had left.

The next morning I woke up first once again. Severus looked barely asleep, though. I put on clothes that were clean but I'd already worn while I was here. I sat down on the bed next to Severus's sleeping form and stroked his nose for the first time. It was oddly satisfying to do so. It woke him from his sleep though and he was immediately glaring at me. It was quite amusing that he didn't go through the sleepy motions of waking up. No, not the great Severus Snape.

"I love you," I said, "although I promise I won't become one of those people who say it all the time." I wasn't sure why I made that promise. I had only a few months left with him. He should know I loved him. But I could guess if I oozed affection, he would run in the opposite direction.

I sat on the bed and watched as he dressed in his usual black robes. I felt a little shy as we walked in silence to the kitchen, and I was surprised and pleased when he placed his hand on the small of my back.

"It's Friday," Salene said as we walked into the kitchen. He dropped his hand from my back as he stepped forward and took her drink and finished it off. I had yet to figure out what they were always drinking. It had to be some sort of Wizarding drink I was unfamiliar with. I would guess it was alcoholic if they weren't drinking it all the damn time.

"Thank you for that," Severus said, opening the refrigerator with his wand and judging the contents at a distance. He was such a lazy wizard.

"We're all going out." I looked at her and tried to decide if she was joking or delusional. It had been stupid enough for me to go out with Salene, but if I was seen with both of the Snapes it would definitely go noticed. This was an especially bad idea when my parents thought I was skiing somewhere very cold.

"Don't be a moron." Severus seemed to agree with me.

"Oh, _you_ don't be a moron. You have plenty of Polyjuice potion for her to use for a few hours, and I'm bored of sitting in this house while you guys fuck for hours at a time." I really, really did not like Salene. I turned my attention to Severus, hoping he would finally tell her to shut up about our sex life, now that we finally had one.

"Who do you suggest she turns into? Your secret twin?" No, of course he wouldn't.

"No, we can easily find a sample. In fact, I will go fetch one right now." She seemed very excited at the prospect.

"No, really, I don't want to. Why don't you two go out and I'll stay here?" I could just imagine the beast Salene would choose for me to imitate.

"I think the best idea for all of us would be to go somewhere Muggle," Severus said, shooting a look at his cousin that I could not decipher. She answered with a one shoulder shrug. "We will just…pretend to be a couple, and Raspberry is our child." That sounded unfortunate. Knowing Salene, she would take full advantage of the situation to make me uncomfortable, although I would already be very uncomfortable pretending to be Severus's child. However, if they were determined to go out, as they both seemed to be, I would play along with this idea. It was better than Polyjuice.

An hour later, we were all dressed and groomed according to Muggle standards. Salene had convinced Severus to shave his head to appear more fatherly. It did not look good at all because it made his nose more pronounced and he simply looked older. But he looked aggravated enough that I didn't point this out. Besides, he could grow it out later with a spell. I was feeling very concerned about the plans though. It seemed that Salene was determined to ruin our night. The worst bit was that she was just amusing herself, rather than trying to be malicious, so she would not be cautious and would be more at risk in revealing us.

I tried not to think about it as we drove to the chosen restaurant. More accurately, we rode as the car was spelled to drive itself. Severus merely sat in the driver's seat with a careless hand draped across the wheel in a poor attempt at looking like he was driving. It was a funny image of what he would do if he had to actually drive. He would probably end up dying, which reminded me of what he'd said Christmas and quickly banished all mirth in my mood.

When we arrived at the restaurant, the first thing Salene did was to announce it was the 18th birthday of her dearest daughter, and to order me a couple of shots. I had never had any bit of alcohol before but I could hardly refuse my 'mother' during my 'birthday celebration.' After two shots I tried to refuse but Salene kept egging me on, as did the whole restaurant, and Severus just looked away and I figured I had nothing left to lose. No, I was trying to push Severus into finally sticking up for me, I wanted him to shelter me from Salene, and most of all I wanted him to be dependable outside of his bedroom. I knew he was not an open person but just for that night I drank in the hopes he would change before he died.

* * *

I was still throwing up in the morning, for about twenty minutes. I wanted to die; I felt like I was going to. Then Severus brewed some sort of Potion, I drank it, and everything was fine. Except it wasn't. I had admitted to myself last night that I wanted more out of Severus than I could ever hope to get. I knew this fact and I accepted it. I was not going to pester him for emotional displays. But the mere emotion of wanting more made me disappointed in myself. I had told myself I was completely okay with his nature and I tried to be but I wasn't.

Another thing that was not okay was that vacation was half over. So much had happened in these seven days but it was not enough. I felt so acutely the pressure of the possibility that I could lose Severus forever in one month, two, three, four. It was never enough time.

"You think too much." My head jerked up and I saw Severus, leaning against the doorframe, his arms folded across his chest. He looked severe. Ha. Ha. Severe Severus. I was so witty.

"You can talk, Mr. Brooding…Man." Okay. Not the best name. I smiled at him and he uncrossed his arms.

"I can talk, and as such I need to discuss the previous night with you." He stepped forward and shut the door behind him. I groaned and flopped back, narrowly avoiding cracking my head on the headboard. "Can we handle this like adults?"

"I'm not an adult. If you're going to lecture anyone, lecture your cousin. She's more of a child than me." Okay, I was whining, and that was not very becoming. Maybe the hangover hadn't worn off as much as I'd thought.

"I'm not going to lecture you. If you choose to drink, that's your decision. However, I am curious as to why you allowed Salene to push you around," he said. I could not help but gape.

"Me? Why _I_ let her push me around? Excuse me but I don't think I'm understanding you." Shut up shut up shut up. I was going to expose my miserable failure of self. I was going to show him that I acted like I didn't care about things when I did, although I had never covered up my feelings before. I just wanted everything to go back to being all nice and soft like it had been just a day ago. Goddamn fucking Salene. Fucking alcohol. Fucking weak me.

"If now is a bad time–" He started to get up so I reached out and took his hand and he immediately sat back down, looking at me politely.

"It's not a bad time," I said, now holding his hand in both of mine. They were finely wrinkled and tanner than I remembered. Things were just a little weird because of the sex, I told myself. That always changed relationships, especially considering we were both virgins. I would just have to work through this. "What's your favorite color?"

"Green and silver," he said, a wry smile twisting his lips. I was surprised he didn't question my strangeness. "I assume yours are yellow and black?"

"God no. I used to hate yellow, actually. Now I'm just kind of neutral about it. Except on one thing," I said, bring his hand up and placing it so he could feel the ring beneath my clothes. I hoped it meant as much to him as it did to me and I was not making a fool of myself. "I would say orange. But only the slap in your face orange, not pukey brown orange or pastel orange. I like pumpkin orange, yeah. Did you ever have any pets?" I could see he was wondering where these questions were going, but he played along anyway.

"No. My family was too poor for pets, even if we had had enough love for them, which of course we didn't." He did not ask me the question in return but I assumed he wanted to know.

"I have my owl right now, of course. I don't like her all that much. Owls are just owls, you know? I like pets that sit in your lap and cuddle with you," I said, but I could see I was edging dangerously close between paralleling our conversation with my feelings towards Severus. To swerve in another direction, I added, "I had a few cats when I was younger, too. They all got out though cause drug addicts can't take good care of pets _and_ kids. Why haven't you decorated your Hogwarts quarters the way this room is decorated?"

"It is best for me if I am not surrounded by who I am," he said, quietly. I was aware that our hands were sweaty but I did not want to let go. "It's easier to forget." Forget what? Lily, his parents, something else? I wanted to ask but I didn't. It brought our conversation to a standstill. Until he picked it back up. He spoke carefully, forming each word multiple times in his head before allowing it to drip out of his mouth. "James Potter and his friends were unnecessarily cruel to me during school, but so were many others. I knew how to fight back. The difference with them was Lily. She treated them all the exact same way but because she was beautiful, it was okay. She was playful and mysterious in her behavior and when I mirrored her I was weird and evil." His eyes closed and I knew he had never spoken the next words out loud before. He had probably never even admitted them to himself before. "For two years, I was extremely desperate to be friends with the 'Marauders' – Potter, Black, Lupin, Pettigrew. I have always been socially incompetent, although I daresay I was worse when I was younger. And of course, I also felt bitterly jealous that Potter liked Lily, even then. I wanted her all to myself, and I wanted to befriend them, and I could not see the easy solution was to be sociable. Maybe if I had…it doesn't matter. If I try and act cordial now, I can only think of my youthful stupidity and what it cost me. Half the Marauders and Lily are dead.

"Yet if I had changed my ways, I would not be here with you. I think of all the people I murdered and I cannot choose between their lives and our relationship. I'd trade a few months of time for years and years shaven off hundreds of lives? Yes, I would, and I don't know why." I had not expected this at all. I did not understand this at all. Half the time he was aloof and distant and the other half he was blowing me away with how much he said he cherished me. It was too difficult to figure out.

"It's not too late to change," I said, sounding horribly naïve but unable to think of another response.

"It may not be too late but it is not the right time. If I outlive this war and, after, I can clear my name...perhaps. Perhaps then we could have those children and not name them Raspberry." He smiled a little but I could not smile back.

"Don't say things like that, please. Please," I said, and I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks, sudden and hot. I had never been much of a crier but Severus brought my tears on often. "It's only another thing I will think back later on and wonder 'what if?' I already have so many I can't handle another." He looked away and I realized he'd said that more to comfort himself, to keep up the illusion he'd survive, and I wanted to hit myself for being such an idiot. I was acting all injured and emotional because I could be losing him. He would be the lost one. I needed to be more sympathetic. I pushed aside the hopelessness I felt at discussing this subject and said, "What would we name our kids, then?" Severus looked at me without saying anything, for a moment. I thought he would stay silent.

"It should be something normal," he said. "Both of us should know why."

"That wouldn't work," I said, relieved he was playing along, albeit not as happily as he'd been a few minutes ago. "Severus and Raspberry, parents of Jane? No. It should be a crazy name too. Continue the legacy of being mocked."

"Well then, what do you suggest?" I already had an answer – Breslow. It was the name I'd always wanted to name my first son. It seemed to fit with Severus too. Something about the 's' and the length, I would guess. However, I did not have a chance to answer. His fireplace roared to life and Severus shoved me off the bed. I fell onto the floor, flat on my stomach, confused. I heard a voice.

"Severus, Albus has called a meeting." It was a woman that sounded potentially comforting, but at the moment her tone was a little cold. He just couldn't catch a break.

"Very well," he said, and he sounded furious. "I would thank you to not use my bedroom fireplace, in the future."

"You're the one who hooked it up to the network."

"Yes, in case of emergencies. A meeting is hardly an emergency."

"Just hurry up and get over here," she said. A few seconds later, the glow cast by the flames disappeared, and Severus appeared within my sight.

"I'm very sorry about that," he said.

"It's okay. You had to," I said. My shoulder was a little sore where he had pushed me. It didn't matter. I climbed to my feet and he pulled me forward into a gentle, sweet kiss. "How long do you think you'll be gone?"

"A few hours. If they're calling me in, it's something important. Feel free to entertain yourself with anything in the house." I caught the innuendo of this but he didn't so I didn't giggle.

"Okay. His name would be Breslow." Severus was smiling when he Apparated away.

* * *

When he came back, we ate dinner without Salene. The next day we spent in bed, house-elves bringing us our meals. Salene popped in a few times to annoy us but other than that it was pretty much perfect. We talked about the best houses to raise a family in and he talked about the stupidity of Gryffindors and I talked about nail polish colors. The next day went much the same, only with different (equally pointless) subjects. We had sex for the second time on Monday night. Tuesday we finally got out of bed and took a walk around the grounds. It was snowing and positively freezing, but he held my hand and so I suffered through the cold. I was starting to feel the pressure of the vacation ending – only four days and nights remained. I was positive our relationship would continue into the term, but for only so long. Then he would be gone.

On top of that, when we returned I had to join the Order of the Phoenix. I felt strongly about helping them, but mostly because it was helping Severus. I was worried they wouldn't take me because I was not particularly gifted and I was barely of legal age. He assured me they would, but they'd probably just have me visit the headquarters every once in a while to clean. Still, being a maid for them would prove I was committed. Or so I told myself, and Severus told me too, so I tried not to doubt the situation too much.

It was more than that. I felt confident this was the closest to perfect we would ever get. Salene pretty much avoided us after the Friday night fiasco, so were alone, in a mansion, and he was sweet and open about his feelings because of this. I'd fallen into the habit of telling him I loved him daily, at least. I knew I'd have to break this habit when we got back to Hogwarts but I would find no joy in doing so.

On Wednesday You-Know-Who called him away. My illusion that our world was perfect became shattered. He came back stony faced and silent. It was only after an hour of prodding that I got him to say he had killed someone, and after that he absolutely refused to discuss it. He wouldn't touch me, to the point where he slept on the floor. He wasted two whole days in this mood and finally Saturday, the day I was leaving, I woke up and he was a little better. I wondered if he always had these bad moods and if so why no one ever noticed. Then I remembered these "bad moods" were barely worse than his typical public image. It would be hard dealing with Professor Snape once I got back to school. Hard, but not half as hard as doing without.

I was checking sure to make sure I'd packed everything when Severus came in and hugged me, a little too tightly, but I was happy to have him back so I didn't say anything about it. "We need to talk about how things will be after we return," he said, and I knew it was true but I didn't want to. I sat down next to him on his bed and leaned into him. "The obvious dilemma is how often you should visit me in my quarters. It has to be often enough that you are happy but not too often that it arouses suspicion." I'd expected he would not end our romantic relationship but to hear him confirm it made me so happy I could not speak for a moment.

"Hazel will know no matter what. She knows I never…well anyway. She'll know. Other than that, I don't really see why we have to be cautious. It's not like it's something people will be looking for."

"No, they wouldn't be," he agreed. "They just look in general, and may stumble upon something incriminating in the process."

"I don't know enough to decide anything," I said. "You do it."

"Once a week." I didn't argue because I could see this had been his plan from the beginning. He was just trying to be considerate by acting like I had a say. I actually probably could have worn him down. I had already worn his resistance down from never being involved with to loving me. However, I felt like doing that lowered his self-esteem, and I didn't want to do it over something like this. However, I could not help but think about how limited this was. If he lasted all six months of the rest of the year, that was only 24 nights. The maximum amount of nights I could spend with him was 24, but likely it would be far less. That was not nearly enough time. I still didn't argue.

We spent my last hours at his home in the library, talking to Salene. She was remarkably normal and cheerful without being obnoxious and I wondered, for just a moment, if she'd been mad that Severus paid so much attention to me and so little to her. But why would she be mad? They had a bond I could never hope for. If I annoyed him the way she did, he would quickly eject me from his life.

When it was time to leave, I Apparated alone to the station without a goodbye to Severus. He'd agreed I could come the following night, so I would be seeing him soon. On the station, I sat with Hazel and Melanie, and I was oddly happy to see them. I was just happy in general.

About halfway through, Jane and Ella joined us and my good mood evaporated. Ella had gained a little weight but she was as conceited as ever. She blabbered on and on about the two boys she'd juggled during the vacation. Jane maintained an admiring look the whole time, Hazel was mildly interested, and Melanie and I rolled our eyes at each other. Of course, she was doing so because she was in a long term relationship and believed she was better than all the silly girls who couldn't hold down a boyfriend. The sentiment was written clearly across her face. I just didn't give a shit.

The feast was loud. It killed me to avoid looking at Severus but I held out successfully. Well, once, in the shift between dinner and desserts, I looked up and over at him. He had been looking at me too. It was one of those weird moments where neither was staring but you just happen to look up at the same time. He looked at me for a second, emotionless, before sliding his eyes over to another spot in the room. It was perfectly normal behavior. My stomach flip-flopped anyway.

"You seem better," Hazel said. No one else was paying attention to us.

"Yeah," I said. I decided to try and trick Hazel into not thinking I would be with Severus when I stayed the night away. I scanned the Hall for a guy who looked both nice and lonely enough to pretend to be my boyfriend. I found one who was eating silently, not looking up from his plate. He was pretty fat and he was a Slytherin and looked a little mean. But no one else looked like they'd remotely agree. "He's cheered me up," I said, pointing at him, figuring it was a safe bet that he wouldn't look up. I was right.

"Razz! What is it with you and weird rejects?" I glared at her because she had just called Severus a reject, but of course she thought I was mad over this new Slytherin. On top of that, it felt weird to be called Razz after two weeks of only hearing Raspberry. I was a little tired of the nickname. But I knew Hazel would never stop. "What's his name?" she asked, trying to make amends. "Where'd you meet?" Oh, shit. I hadn't expected this, although I should have.

"He lives near my parents, actually. His name is James." He looked nothing like a James. It was just the first name I thought of.

"Well…I hope you guys are happy. Have you had sex yet?" Of course, she would ask.

"Oh…yeah. Loads. He's really horny, actually." Oh my God. I could die. Why did I love to torture myself so much? Hazel looked a little squeamish at what I'd said and I felt like apologizing. Instead I smiled and spooned up some pudding.


	9. Chapter 9

The next day was Sunday, my designated day to announce my loyalties to the Order. I was nervous and I was not, but mostly I tried to block out how I was feeling. How I felt was irrelevant to the cause of helping Severus.

I went to breakfast early, and in fact too early. There were only a handful of students, cramming or looking obnoxiously cheerful, and no professors. I stayed anyway, deciding it was more productive to wait than to walk all the way back to the dorm. Professor McGonagall was the second professor in, and I did not even give her time to place food on her plate before I stood up and walked over to her. She didn't notice me, at first, as I stood there. I debated whether or not it was appropriate to clear my throat to get her attention or if that was rude. She solved my dilemma by looking up, her eyebrows knitted in confusion. I could understand why. I was not the type to socialize with teachers, in or out of class.

"I had my seventeenth birthday over the break," I said, unsure of what to say. If I was unnecessarily vague, I'd seem stupid. If I was too specific, I could see careless. Hmm. Stupid or careless, stupid or careless? "Well, and I heard that I should talk to you if...if...I wanted to get some things in _order_." I tried to enunciate 'order' with as much secret meaning I could muster. In the middle of my bumbling, Severus took a seat next to McGonagall. I was sure this was not an accident.

"Excuse me?" she asked, looking more than a little impatient. I had definitely chosen stupid.

"Well you know...I placed an _order_ but not everything was in _order_ so I was _ordered_-"

"Minerva, I believe she is hinting that she wishes to help out with Phawkes." I did not understand Severus's words but Professor McGonagall did.

"Really?" I felt a little offended at her utter surprise.

"I know I'm not very good at magic," I said, unable to keep a note of defensiveness from creeping in my voice. "I just want to help in any way I can."

"I would argue with that assessment." I felt a little twist of nerves as I heard Professor Dumbledore speak. I had not meant for this to become such a spectacle while still in the Great Hall. Apparently, reckless was preferred over stupid. Well it was largely formed of Gryffindors, wasn't it? "I have heard great things about your potion abilities. However, I believe this discussion would best be continued in my office. Minerva, Severus, would you two care to accompany us?" Ah shit. They were all getting dragged into this? I wished furiously that I could go back and fix how this had happened.

It was an uncomfortable group, the wizened batty headmaster I had never talked to, the teacher that remained strict without becoming cruel, and the love of my life. Ha. That phrase was so ridiculous. Really, being the love of someone's life was not that special. When I was menstruating, chocolate was my one and true love. When I was tired, energy spells were amazing beyond my wildest dreams. When I forgot to study, friends willing to cram with me were life savers. It was all perspective. Okay but this was off topic and a little awkward to think about when I was surrounded by old people.

Upon arriving in the headmaster's office, I refused the lemon drops he offered me. I was a little nervous they'd be spiked with Veritaserum or I'd choke on them and embarrass myself. The latter was definitely likely. "Are you aware of what you are asking to commit to?" Professor Dumbledore asked as he tucked his box of candy back into the pocket of his robes. His tone was light and unconcerned despite his serious wording.

"Of course," I said, perhaps a little too earnestly. Severus shot me a look in sync with McGonagall. I couldn't quite decode what these looks meant, though.

"What purpose do you have for fighting against Voldemort?" The interrogation continued. "Have you lost a loved one? Did you suffer any injustices? Are you Muggleborn?"

"Um," I said. I lost all ability of normal speech due to nerves. "I haven't lost a loved one but...I could, I guess. I mean I could lose him literally but figuratively I think he's already lost. Or lost to everyone else. But that's not only why I'm doing this. I want to know that someone is fighting back. And I don't want to be selfish, which I have been this whole time." I thought about how many other people he had asked those questions to and the kind of eloquent answers they could have provided. They could have moving speeches about deceased parents or children or sisters. I could have possibly said moving things about Severus, if he wasn't old and my professor and a Death Eater. Oh, who was I kidding? I would never have sweet or endearingly sad things to say about him.

"What exactly do you expect to do when you are a member?" I noted he said when and I did not think him to be the type of person who did not choose his words carefully. Then again that would be a very hasty decision and I did not think him to be hasty either. I was probably acting a mess and he was trying to calm me down.

"I don't know. I was told very little. I just want to help in any way. Well actually I would probably rather help in small ways." I felt a little less anxious the more I spoke. I just wanted this to work and so later Severus's secret would be safe with me. The thought of taking Veritaserum and being forced into betraying him was more terrifying than the thought of fighting a million Dementors at once.

"Are you willing to take an Unbreakable Vow?" I did not know how to answer this. On one hand, I was firm in my conviction of being loyal to the Order; more accurately, I was loyal to Severus. I was not going to talk. On the other hand, being bound to not do something under the pain of death was a serious commitment.

"Albus, that is ridiculous." Professor McGonagall's stern voice cut through my inner turmoil. She was glaring at him. "We have never asked that of a member, and particularly not of a young one. If you are having doubts, refuse her entry and let us be on her way." Severus was blank-faced, and in fact appeared a little bored. His hair curtained his face just like always; his nose protruded just as sharply as ever. I wondered if he was proud of me or if he thought I was acting stupid. I wondered if he cared at all beyond protecting himself. I only doubted his intentions in this matter. Everywhere else, I was secure about his affection, as much as I may wish (just a little, secretly) he was more open.

"You're right, of course. I forgot myself. Well, then, when shall the initiation take place?" Professor Dumbledore turned this question to me. I tried not to act too flabbergasted.

"That's it? I mean, it's that easy?"

"We try not to refuse any help," he said, and he smiled. "It's not easy to come by." I could see why; I would never had volunteered on my own.

"Well um. Okay. I'm ready when you are," I said. My stomach clenched into a bundle of nerves and I had to stop myself from looking towards Severus for reassurance.

"I think Saturday would be the most appropriate time. Please be waiting in your common room at noon so Professor Flitwick can escort you." Alright. What was I supposed to say now? Should I just leave or should I express excitement for being accepted? Well, accepted-to-be. Professor Dumbledore clapped his hands together once and continued speaking. "I do believe this meeting has adjourned. I, for one, am very interested in eating some eggs. Minerva, Severus, would you care to join me?" Without waiting for an answer, he swept out of the room. Professor McGonagall paused a second, looked at me searchingly, and then followed. Severus looked at me also but did not leave.

"He always says Minerva's name before yours," I said.

"Yes," he said.

"Was that normal? The whole 'two questions and you're good' thing, I mean."

"No, not at all. Normally it is noted that there is an interest and he conducts extensive research on the person - their childhood, their friends, motivations for supporting either sides. This takes a couple of weeks. If all seems in order, he spends another few weeks interviewing the interested party, but much more subtly than he did for you. Finally, there is an initiation. It's a big ceremony where everyone welcomes the new member," he said. His tone stayed to that of a scholar, but it rapidly changed to a voice full of anger when he added, "I am sure he knows of our relationship."

"What? I didn't do anything!" Panic seized me even as I wondered why that would make Severus angry.

"You did, and you didn't. Albus is almost as skilled in Legilimency as I, and you met his gaze several times. On top of that, I doubted he failed to notice the way...well, it does not matter. It was purely accidental on your part, and skill on his part." He was trying to make me feel better but I only felt more outraged.

"I'm not that transparent," I protested. He looked amused. "And the way, what? I didn't do anything any suspicious way." He looked a little embarrassed at my prodding, and I was curious enough to temporarily forget that my headmaster possibly knew of my illicit affair with my teacher. Ha. Illicit affair. That sounded so much more exciting than it was. "Come on, tell me. Please please."

"If you must know, I have noticed that you tend to take on the look of a lovestruck teenager when you turn your attention to me," he said. No, snapped. My begging had annoyed him more than I'd perceived. I felt both embarrassed and angry and the combination resulted in a fierce burning of my face. I had always allowed Severus free reign to stomp around, whether it was over my feelings or away from me. It was easier than fighting back. But it was hard to stay docile when he was mocking how much I loved him. It wasn't that simple fact; it was the deeper truth that he only mocked because I felt more for him more than he did for me. I hated having my pathetic besotted emotions thrown in my face.

"Well, sor_ry_," was my immature response, trying to put all my feelings into my enunciation.

"You should be. It could really jeopardize us."

"Like that's why you care," I said, trying to stuff the words back into my throat even as they exited my mouth. "You just don't want to be stuck with a stupid teenager who can't control her feelings. Well, I control them so much, and you don't even know. I don't tell you that I think you're an asshole and that you hurt my feelings all my time and that you're one of the most selfish people I've ever met. And I still love you so impossibly much but you don't give a shit. I'm just an embarrassment." Even as I spoke, I was fully aware of what a compete moron I sounded like. As soon as I finished, I was prepared to apologize and take it all back. I didn't even mean the things I had said. But I fled in the face of my own idiocy.

* * *

Despite the mortifying memory of my words and actions the day before, school was fun. In Potions, Salene offered 50 house points and a special visit to Hogsmeade to the person who could brew the best antidote. It was an extremely complicated potion and everyone expected JT to win, especially JT. Therefore, I was completely taken aback when my antidote was proclaimed the best. It had matched the textbook description almost perfectly but I did not have much faith in myself. Of course I had to sit through a round of applause from my housemates because the point bonus brought us to first place for the House Cup. There was still enough time for us to slip down to second, easily, and pretty easily to third. It was exciting nonetheless. I was not as excited about the Hogsmeade weekend because I had no one to go with. Hazel, maybe, but she had proved unsupportive in my funk over Severus and so I was not too fond of her. Melanie possibly. I really needed to talk to more people.

Runes was interesting as usual, but it provided me a little time to remember my own stupidity. There was so much we should have discussed but didn't. Why was Severus mad at Dumbledore? If he really suspected, why was he so willing to accept me into the Order? Or was Severus just being paranoid? Maybe now he would never talk to me again. It was no better than I deserved. In Divination, Melanie and I played Muggle chess - wizard's chess was far too noisy, both because of the required spoken directions and the resounding crack of playing pieces being clobbered.

I completed my homework efficiently, and then had thirty minutes to ponder if I should go see Severus or not. It was my designated night with him, after all, and I only had less than 24 left. Oh God. How had I left my stupid shitty self get in the way of time with the possibly-soon-to-be-dead man I loved? And I loved him too much, that was the problem. I was willing to throw caution to the wind, privately and publically, and he was so reserved because he did not feel the same depths of passion and affection I did. It was okay. Really. But it still sucked.

I didn't go to see Severus. I was too embarrassed. I knew it was wrong; I knew he'd interpret that I was mad at him. But realistically, I didn't think he'd care too much. He'd probably be glad to rid himself of my presence. No. He loved me. I knew that. I wasn't going to start throwing out the idea that he didn't care _at all_. That was easily proven false. I just had to picture us at his castle, just a week ago, and I knew it was true. I didn't do this too much that night though; it reminded me that I was fucking everything up.

The following morning, I saw "James" in my DADA. When we walked into class, fifteen minutes early, Hazel pushed me in his direction, giggling out of some sort of perverse joy. When I sat down next to him, he looked up sharply, his eyes narrowed. "What?" he asked. His voice was not mean, but rather cautious.

"Um...it's a little complicated. But, are you rich?" Bribing was my first choice. He blinked, once, twice. I tried to appear friendly and innocent. I was intensely aware of Hazel watching us, and knew that his reaction would be confusing. "Okay, see, it's a long story but I told my friend I have a boyfriend but I don't and I thought you'd be a good candidate for a fake boyfriend." There. Messy but passable.

"I'm going to guess this is a 'find the ugliest guy' kind of bet," he said, immediately disinterested and downcast. God, low self esteem was the biggest problem in the world. There should be a ministry just for the handling of that.

"No! I'm telling you the truth. You just seemed...pleasant." I had no idea how to deal with normal boys, but negative standoffish ones were even harder. Unless they were my devastatingly attractive professor. As if my thoughts had beckoned him, Severus - no, Professor Snape - swept into the classroom. He slammed his textbooks on the desk. He was clearly in a bad mood.

"Prove it," he said. I drew my eyes off of Snape and put them on his. Prove it how? A Pensieve. That was doable, if he owned one. I'd just have to end the memory before the part where I called him horny... "Kiss me."

"Uh," I said. "Um what?" I was consciously aware of Snape, hunched in his chair, watching the class with an angry gaze. He would surely see me kiss "James." If we were on good terms, I would have done it and just explained later. But he probably thought I was angered and kissing this Slytherin would seem like some sort of revenge act.

"That's it. Kiss me once, right now, and I'll pretend to be your boyfriend for as long as you want. Obviously I won't be getting a real one any time soon," he said.

"See...exactly! I'm the hottest girl you're going to be around. You should be happy I'm talking to you, never mind kissing you." He frowned and I could see my attempt at being charismatically persuasive had failed.

"No, I don't think so. You need me, not the other way around." He was right. God.

"Fine. Does this kiss have any specifications?" I kept my peripheral vision focused on Professor Snape. Maybe I could time it so he wouldn't see...no. He was glowering at the student mass and not going to change until class began. In five minutes. Could I stall for five minutes?

No, because "James" had taken my 'fine' as permission and was now speeding his head towards mine. There was a painful collision of lips and teeth. "Fuck," I said, a little too loudly. A few heads turned towards us. Professor Snape was clearly staring at us. The Slytherin kid looked hurt at my outburst. Well, fuck. I was physically hurt. I reached up and felt the inside of my lip gingerly and saw that, indeed, my teeth had broken the skin.

"That wasn't good enough," he said.

"Well maybe that's because kissing is a mutual activity. You can't just dive in and hope for the best!" He was so stupid. He was like a 12 year old boy, not a 16 or 17 year old man.

"Okay. Let's try again." More attention was on us. There was roughly a minute before class began. I could stall for that. But did I want to? I'd already "kissed" someone else in front of Severus. I'd made my displeasure obvious. He could draw his own conclusions, surely. Well, his conclusion may be that I was kissing boys I didn't like in order to make him feel bad.

"James" was leaning towards me once more, slower. I had no choice but to meet him. It was better this time, but still. Really. Fucking. Awkward. And I just kept thinking of what would be going through Severus's mind right now. I pulled away when he put a sweaty hand on my bare knee. "Okay, you're my boyfriend now," I said, keeping my voice low so no one else would hear, but trying to cram all my annoyance into it. He was grinning too widely for me to believe he cared.

"Are you two so moronic you cannot comprehend that this is a classroom, not a bedroom?" The thought of being in a bedroom with the beast was enough to make me feel physically ill. My supposed partner grinned and appeared quite pleased. I could tell he was going to make a supposedly witty response before he even opened his mouth.

"Don't be mad cause you're not getting any," he said. My stomach clenched and contorted further in disgust. This creature was going to be my fake boyfriend for the rest of the term. Ah shit. I really should have picked a better prospect. As I imagined strangling the life out of his obnoxious mouth, a wave of whispering spread through the class, sure we were both going to get beat down by the infamously cruel Professor Snape. I was sure I was not the only surprised one when he leaned forward, pressing his hands down flat on the table. His face was mere inches from "James" and even I had a hard time hearing him when he spoke.

"If you ever address me like that again, I will have you expelled," he said. "Or else in a million little pieces that will never be found." I was surprised to hear him address a student that way, but it didn't bother me. I _was_ bothered at the look of pure revulsion and bitterness he threw my way as he straightened up. "Twenty points from both your houses." With that, he pivoted and strode up to the front of the classroom. His robes billowed impressively. 20 points. 24 possible nights and I had missed one.

I spent the rest of the day silent, thinking. As soon as CoMC ended, I went down to the dungeons. "I didn't approve tonight," Severus said when he opened the door and found me.

"Do you hate me?" I asked. I entered despite his words and sat on his couch. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs, watching him. He placed his wards as usual. Did he expect me to stay? Did he want me to stay?

"No," he said. He sat on the couch with me. I met his eyes and tried to hide how vulnerable it made me. His gaze was intense and focused. "Do you have any idea how much it hurt me to see you kiss someone else? Especially Marvin, of all people." I did not know what to say. I had a very hard time imagining Severus hurt. Angry, frustrated, solemn - those were easy. I could not picture him wrestling with his thoughts and emotions the way I had the previous night. Well of course he wouldn't do it the way I did. I was an emotional teenage girl. He was a tightly controlled middle aged man.

"I'm so sorry," I said, and meant it more than I could express in words. "I did it to have an excuse for spending nights away from my dorms. I told Hazel I'd be with him. I thought maybe, once in a while, that meant we could go more than once a week."

"You can talk later," Severus said, throwing me out of my contrite mood. "As bad as it was to see that, it was not comparable to how I felt when you told me I hurt you often. But-"

"No," I said, not caring that I was interrupting him. "That's not how it is. You make me so happy. You say all these nice things all the time and I don't do anything." He pried my arms off my legs and held my hands in his.

"That is because you have not made me fear your reaction to my feelings, as I have done to you." I didn't know how to respond to this. It was true that I tried my hardest to guard my feelings. Thinking this, I had to take a second to wallow in the injustice that I had managed to repress all my happiness and love, but the one time I'd had bitter thoughts I had unleashed them. Well, calling it the _one_ time was not truthful, but I'd certainly bottled up more positive energy than bad.

"Isn't it better for everyone if I do it, though?" I asked. I was aware of our unfinished conversation about Professor Dumbledore. He probably was too. I wanted to drift the subject away from me and onto that worrisome topic. Severus wouldn't allow me.

"No. I don't want you to hide yourself for me," he said. His hands were still around mine, and he squeezed a little as he next spoke. "Tell me how you feel about me." There was a raw openness in his voice that broke my heart. Maybe he had been reflecting on his limited time too. Maybe he didn't want to die without believing he was loved.

"Well," I said. "I love you, of course." I was at a loss of how to continue. Whenever Severus had confessed emotion, he'd had a neat little tie in that eliminated awkwardness or heaviness and made things nice. I felt a pressure on my chest and a twisting in my stomach as I tried to piece together how I felt. He made me happy. He was attractive. He was smart. I had said all these things so many times. It was so (un)funny that Severus Snape, coldhearted, aloof, Death Eater, cruel teacher, was better at expressing his feelings than me. "I don't know," I finally admitted, clearly unhappy. "What can I say that I haven't already? I just know when I'm around you, everything goes soft, and I want to be stuck in that half-asleep state with you forever, and the thought of being without you is so...fucking terrifying. I know you hate it when I swear, but it really is. And it's not because I'd have to find someone else. It's because I wouldn't have the someone I want. I wish I could say beautiful things because you deserve them. I just want to make you happy and whole. I want to keep you safe, which is stupid because your magic is a million times better than mine. I just mean I want to stop you from..." I could not find the perfect phrase. Severus, eyebrows twisted, did.

"From being the loved one you lost to the war." I remembered what I'd told Professor Dumbledore and did not apologize. It was true. I had lost the chance to be with an unburdened Severus.

"You told me I loved you so much it scared you," I continued, feeling both confident in my answer and foolish. "And you don't even know the half of it. It scares me a little sometimes. Then I just see you, all brooding and bitter but I have seen your smile, and I don't see how it would be possible to love you less." Severus was not smiling now. He pulled me forward by my hands, and his mouth was hard on mine.


End file.
